When is there too much of an age difference?

[mcflurry_1982]

I started thinking about this after reading AJ's thread "..wow.. (http://www.warboards.org/showthread.php?t=8973)."

For me it used to be 4 years. I wouldn't date any girl more than 3 years younger than I. But as luck would have it my current girlfriend is 5 years younger than I. We met almost 2 years ago at the movies through a mutual friend of ours. But we were basically acuaintences up until 7 months ago. Then 3 months ago we delcared that we had feelings for each other and began going out. For us age is not an issue. All we care about is sharing interests, having fun, and each other.

But I know for some age can be an issue. So I ask you, how old is too old or is that even an issue?

[DragonPaladin]

Sigh...the joy of life!

[Ender]

Personally, I think it depends on, forgive how I phrase this, the ages of people. For instance, people in their teenage years shouldn't date anyone more than 2 years younger than them, in my own opinion. However, for people in their 20's or higher, I think that any age is acceptable. They're adults; so long as they aren't dating people under 18, because that is illegal, I have no problems with this. So I'm going to say it doesn't matter.

[Killphill]

It realy doesn't matter how old the people are. But like Ender said, it depends on the age group. My grandparents are like 10 years appart in age, mabye more. I'm not not saying that since they're older it's ok, 'cause they've been married like 50 years. But that's a large difference.

[Moser]

I'd have to agree with EnderWiggin, it really depends on the age of the person. Teenagers make a big deal out of age because of maturity levels and such. But when you get over 20, then age starts to not matter.

[uchafu]

I say that age doesn't matter, as long as your partner and you have a good relationship or common interests or something that makes you like each other...This reminds me of the time I met a woman 10 years older than me in a bar...That was awesome.

[ZeroCross]

This is a one-way conversation....anyone who does'nt say, "As long as they love each other, it does'nt matter!" will be railroaded quite litterally.

I do agree though, if the couple is really in love, it does'nt much matter as long as they both understand the responsobilities of marriage. Normally however, when a young girl marries an old guy, you can guess why......

[Nahotnoj]

Hmmm.... I'd have to agree on the point that such as through teenage years, age does matter, while going into older years it becomes less of a barrier.

[EdvardMunch]

Age matters. One of the big reasons people break up is because, as they grow older, they become different people, and there is research suggesting that people's personalities change as they mature (http://www.apa.org/releases/personality.html).

To summarize the article, researchers looked at people's Big Five Personality traits and charted how they changed through time. The Big Five are supposedly the personality traits that are most indicative of a person. They exist on a continuum, and here are their definitions, as swiped from Wikipedia's article on the Big Five (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_five_personality_traits).

Neuroticism: a tendency to easily experience unpleasant emotions
Extraversion: a tendency to seek stimulation and the company of others
Agreeableness: a tendency to be compassionate rather than antagonistic about others
Conscientiousness: a tendency to show self-discipline, act dutiful, and aim for achievement and competence
Openness to new experience: a tendency to enjoy new intellectual experiences and ideas

Other traits have been identified that some say should be studied, but they are being ignored, for the most part.

Anyway, to summarize the APA article, as we grow older, the following happens to our personality:
- Conscientiousness increases, with the biggest gains in our 20's
- Agreeableness increases, with the biggest gains in our 30's
- Neuroticism declines for women but does not change in men
- Openness declines
- Extraversion declines for women but does not change in men

My parents have a 15 year age difference, and I can definitely see the disadvantage of that difference. They've been married for something like 23 years, and while my mom is 47 years old, my dad is 62. His personality has changed more than hers has as a result of this age gap.

Furthermore, one has to consider cohort effects. Different cohorts have different values, beliefs, and experiences. My parents are no exception, they are clearly from two different cohorts, since my dad is a baby boomer, and my mom was raised in the 60's. My mom's values are much more liberal than my dad's and they commonly conflict over this. My dad also has most of the relationship values from that era (men work, women cook. Men be assertive, women be subservient. He's the head of the family. Etc.) and my mom sure as hell doesn't.

To be fair, conflicting cohort values aren't fault of an age gap (as opposed to changing personality), it's the fault of the couple. The values a person learned from their cohort tend to stay the same from their years growing up, so it is the responsibility of the dating couple to assess each other's values to make sure they are compatible. This falls into what psychologist Bernard Merstein calls Stimulus-Value-Role theory.

Murstein's theory says that we gain three different types of information about partners. First, comes stimulus. This refers to what we see. Are they attractive? Do they dress well? Are they too old or too young? Next comes values. Do their religious and political beliefs conflict with mine? What about their hobbies? Do we value the same things? And then, finally, roles. Do we share similar ideas about the roles of a couple? What about the roles of a family? Do both us agree on children? One problem that often arises in relationships is that couples will marry without having assessed the roles part of the relationship, and then they'll discover they disagree on how to live in a family.

So since different cohorts have different beliefs regarding values and roles, it is up to the dating couple to pay close attention to the other person's values and roles, especially if from a different cohort.

The romantic argument goes that love conquers all, but personality determines how smooth the waters are for a relationship. Two people can love each other, but if their ages are too far apart, one of them might change in such a way that drives each other nuts.