Shinigami
03-13-2004, 9:42 PM
Though this is the first story I've posted here, I don't want anyone to hold back on their criticism. I'm looking for constructive criticism on the storyline itself as well as any grammatical issues that any one of you might find. If you cannot find anything wrong with this and must say something alone the lines of, "I like it" please, please say what you like. Now, without further adieu...
Serve in Heaven
Prologue: The Other Side
She awoke with a start, the dream still fresh on her mind.
It wasn’t a dream.
Heidi Faust slowly sat up. She looked forward through her large white doorway, her door standing ajar just enough so as to give her a full view of the hallway that led to her bedroom. Even though the moonlight streaming through the open curtains illumination much of her room with its soft light, it was impossible to see more than a few feet out of her room.
It was then while she was staring into the dark abyss that lay just outside her room that suddenly – and for so short a time that she later doubted she even saw it – a pale face flashed into view so high in the hallway that the top of its head was blocked by her doorway.
Though she saw little more than the face of this being he was no stranger to her. The nightmares that often took hold of Heidi’s mind while she slept displayed this man frequently. His skin was paler than anyone she had ever seen and he was a giant. He stood no shorter than seven feet tall with broad shoulders that she imagined would hinder any attempts he made to enter any room through her standard-sized doorway. This thought would have calmed her down had the nightmares she witnessed not been cruel enough to give them the ability to do what scared her most.
The Ring was one of the scariest films she had ever seen and the only one to leave a permanent scar on her psyche. Seeing Samara flash out of view and back into it a few feet in front of where she once stood instantaneously was something Heidi would never forget. This humanly impossible feat tortured her through dreams for months after she had witnessed it. When this cloaked giant began assaulted her sleeping mind at night, he took on this ability and used it more often than she would have liked. He seemed to take on a perverse pleasure as he used the ability to terrify her. She often woke up in a cold sweat, her sheets tangled around her bare legs, a silent scream on her lips. His acts of teleportation chilled her to the bone.
That was what this man could do.
That was what kept her from believing her doorway could keep him at bay.
That was what made this man as scary as he was.
When the man’s white face had disappeared Heidi looked frantically around the room. She could feel her face grow damp as she began sweating. She swung her head back and force with neck-breaking speed, fear all but flowing out of her eyes and down her smooth cheeks.
When at last her neck was too sore to continue her fruitless search she sat still, breathing heavily and cocking her head to the side so that she could massage the side of her neck. She grabbed a pillow and hugged it to her stomach. Her thoughts raced as to whether she had just imagined the mysterious man or whether she had really seen him. Or was she still dreaming? She was unable to answer any of these questions.
As Heidi’s heart rate began to slow down and her labored breathing came more quietly and easily she shimmied back under her covers. The sweat that matted her bangs to her forehead and made her arms uncomfortably sticky had been cooled down by the night cold night air that billowed into her room. She shivered as she slowly began giving the covers her body’s warmth. She knew it would only last momentarily, but the shiver that raced up and down her spine from the sight she at least believed she saw only minutes ago was one that she could not so easily ward off. This didn’t stop her from curling up into a loose ball hoping with all of her heart that the cold that held her body in a death grip would leave her soon.
A sudden wave of exhaustion assaulted Heidi and she found her eyelids seemingly gain weight. The burst of adrenaline and frantic movements she had made didn’t help her sore muscles and aching bones. As one of the best runners her high school had ever seen she was continually forced to push her body to the limits to attain goals she sometimes thought were out of her league. When she fell short of these goals - when the pressure of failure began to once more suffocate her - she would try again, putting more effort into the next attempt; pushing her body to the limit and sometimes beyond. Today had been one of those days.
The pillow beckoned and, too tired to resist, Heidi let her head fall into it and sighed contently. It consumed half of her head and afforded her a comfort that made all of the events in the past few minutes fade away into the furthest recesses of her mind. But when the sound of an object shattering reached her ears, reverberating in her head so much so that even her pillow’s haven was unable to hold back the rush of her consciousness – and the horrors she had witnessed only moments before. She sprang up in her bed, the sound she had heard still echoing in her mind in a hushed whisper, growing ever fainter.
Heidi stayed completely still for countless minutes after the sound had stopped, almost as if moving would again shatter the silence that she embraced, for it temporarily interrupted her from the pain of the headache that had just began assaulting her head. When she began to slip out of her bed, the curiosity of what had crashed taking precedence over her safety, the pain came in waves, temporarily paralyzing her. After the pain abated, she tried again. Wincing as the pain came back stronger than ever, she continued to get out of her bed. The pain kept the evening’s events at bay and for that she was happy for this double-sided blade of a headache.
Her bare feet touched the ground and a shiver raced up her spine as the low temperature of the floor registered in her mind. She picked them up for a moment, letting them hover above the ground and regain their warmth, then planted them down firmly and waited for her feet to get used to the lack of heat.
Irritation crept up on Heidi when the headache refused to stop. She forgot all about being grateful that it spared her from her short term memory and she grew impatient, finally pushing off from the bed and standing on her own. She was briefly disoriented as the blood rushed down from her head and she grabbed hold of the edge of her mattress to steady herself.
Heidi’s world had no yet stopped tilting when she pushed off from the bed once more and began her trek across the room to the doorway without rush, the adrenaline that coursed through her veins amplifying each and every sound, giving pause to time itself.
She stopped when she reached the doorway, fear gripping at the edges of her thoughts. The headache intensified, forcing back the emotion, but it had done its damage. She faltered, taking a step back and moving to make another one. The sound of the crash played over in her head and she forced herself onward, propelled by nothing more than her craving for answers.
Her curiosity was at a fever pitch and she had yet to move. The last sign she needed to move on came when her headache stopped. Everything in her room abruptly became sharp and she saw a flash of pale skin out of the corner of her eye. She didn’t need to think to know what was in that corner of the room.
It was her bed.
Her last bastion of solace was under enemy occupation. There was nothing left for her in this room which now appeared to be one she had never seen before. She was at a foreign locale being followed by a man from her foulest nightmares. The possibility of her staying where she was for a moment longer was laughable. Nothing in this room looked as it used to. She did not know this place.
Compelling herself not to look back towards her bed, she crossed the threshold.
Serve in Heaven
Prologue: The Other Side
She awoke with a start, the dream still fresh on her mind.
It wasn’t a dream.
Heidi Faust slowly sat up. She looked forward through her large white doorway, her door standing ajar just enough so as to give her a full view of the hallway that led to her bedroom. Even though the moonlight streaming through the open curtains illumination much of her room with its soft light, it was impossible to see more than a few feet out of her room.
It was then while she was staring into the dark abyss that lay just outside her room that suddenly – and for so short a time that she later doubted she even saw it – a pale face flashed into view so high in the hallway that the top of its head was blocked by her doorway.
Though she saw little more than the face of this being he was no stranger to her. The nightmares that often took hold of Heidi’s mind while she slept displayed this man frequently. His skin was paler than anyone she had ever seen and he was a giant. He stood no shorter than seven feet tall with broad shoulders that she imagined would hinder any attempts he made to enter any room through her standard-sized doorway. This thought would have calmed her down had the nightmares she witnessed not been cruel enough to give them the ability to do what scared her most.
The Ring was one of the scariest films she had ever seen and the only one to leave a permanent scar on her psyche. Seeing Samara flash out of view and back into it a few feet in front of where she once stood instantaneously was something Heidi would never forget. This humanly impossible feat tortured her through dreams for months after she had witnessed it. When this cloaked giant began assaulted her sleeping mind at night, he took on this ability and used it more often than she would have liked. He seemed to take on a perverse pleasure as he used the ability to terrify her. She often woke up in a cold sweat, her sheets tangled around her bare legs, a silent scream on her lips. His acts of teleportation chilled her to the bone.
That was what this man could do.
That was what kept her from believing her doorway could keep him at bay.
That was what made this man as scary as he was.
When the man’s white face had disappeared Heidi looked frantically around the room. She could feel her face grow damp as she began sweating. She swung her head back and force with neck-breaking speed, fear all but flowing out of her eyes and down her smooth cheeks.
When at last her neck was too sore to continue her fruitless search she sat still, breathing heavily and cocking her head to the side so that she could massage the side of her neck. She grabbed a pillow and hugged it to her stomach. Her thoughts raced as to whether she had just imagined the mysterious man or whether she had really seen him. Or was she still dreaming? She was unable to answer any of these questions.
As Heidi’s heart rate began to slow down and her labored breathing came more quietly and easily she shimmied back under her covers. The sweat that matted her bangs to her forehead and made her arms uncomfortably sticky had been cooled down by the night cold night air that billowed into her room. She shivered as she slowly began giving the covers her body’s warmth. She knew it would only last momentarily, but the shiver that raced up and down her spine from the sight she at least believed she saw only minutes ago was one that she could not so easily ward off. This didn’t stop her from curling up into a loose ball hoping with all of her heart that the cold that held her body in a death grip would leave her soon.
A sudden wave of exhaustion assaulted Heidi and she found her eyelids seemingly gain weight. The burst of adrenaline and frantic movements she had made didn’t help her sore muscles and aching bones. As one of the best runners her high school had ever seen she was continually forced to push her body to the limits to attain goals she sometimes thought were out of her league. When she fell short of these goals - when the pressure of failure began to once more suffocate her - she would try again, putting more effort into the next attempt; pushing her body to the limit and sometimes beyond. Today had been one of those days.
The pillow beckoned and, too tired to resist, Heidi let her head fall into it and sighed contently. It consumed half of her head and afforded her a comfort that made all of the events in the past few minutes fade away into the furthest recesses of her mind. But when the sound of an object shattering reached her ears, reverberating in her head so much so that even her pillow’s haven was unable to hold back the rush of her consciousness – and the horrors she had witnessed only moments before. She sprang up in her bed, the sound she had heard still echoing in her mind in a hushed whisper, growing ever fainter.
Heidi stayed completely still for countless minutes after the sound had stopped, almost as if moving would again shatter the silence that she embraced, for it temporarily interrupted her from the pain of the headache that had just began assaulting her head. When she began to slip out of her bed, the curiosity of what had crashed taking precedence over her safety, the pain came in waves, temporarily paralyzing her. After the pain abated, she tried again. Wincing as the pain came back stronger than ever, she continued to get out of her bed. The pain kept the evening’s events at bay and for that she was happy for this double-sided blade of a headache.
Her bare feet touched the ground and a shiver raced up her spine as the low temperature of the floor registered in her mind. She picked them up for a moment, letting them hover above the ground and regain their warmth, then planted them down firmly and waited for her feet to get used to the lack of heat.
Irritation crept up on Heidi when the headache refused to stop. She forgot all about being grateful that it spared her from her short term memory and she grew impatient, finally pushing off from the bed and standing on her own. She was briefly disoriented as the blood rushed down from her head and she grabbed hold of the edge of her mattress to steady herself.
Heidi’s world had no yet stopped tilting when she pushed off from the bed once more and began her trek across the room to the doorway without rush, the adrenaline that coursed through her veins amplifying each and every sound, giving pause to time itself.
She stopped when she reached the doorway, fear gripping at the edges of her thoughts. The headache intensified, forcing back the emotion, but it had done its damage. She faltered, taking a step back and moving to make another one. The sound of the crash played over in her head and she forced herself onward, propelled by nothing more than her craving for answers.
Her curiosity was at a fever pitch and she had yet to move. The last sign she needed to move on came when her headache stopped. Everything in her room abruptly became sharp and she saw a flash of pale skin out of the corner of her eye. She didn’t need to think to know what was in that corner of the room.
It was her bed.
Her last bastion of solace was under enemy occupation. There was nothing left for her in this room which now appeared to be one she had never seen before. She was at a foreign locale being followed by a man from her foulest nightmares. The possibility of her staying where she was for a moment longer was laughable. Nothing in this room looked as it used to. She did not know this place.
Compelling herself not to look back towards her bed, she crossed the threshold.