Should parents say "No" more often?

[Moser]

So I was reading News Week the other day and I came across an article labled "Should Parents say NO More Often?" Witht that said, I am curious to what all you people think?

Should parents say no to their children more often--Why?

Personally, I feel that parents should say no to their children more often because if they don't then their children will become dependant on them. By saying "no" more often to their children, parents can teach their kids how to work for what they want. Also, it will help to kids to deal with dissappointment better, because they won't always expect to hear "yes, you can get that."

Tell me what you feel.

[Fenguin]

I'm curious as to how much the average parent says "no."

[TheBB]

Obviously there is no one answer to this question, because parent's don't say "no" to their children equally much. For example, "yes" would be a good answer for all parents that hardly ever say "no", but would be a bad answer for all parents who almost always say "no".

A better question to ask would be "how much should parents say "no" to their kids?"

[hammocksleeper]

"Should parents say "No" more often?"

It depends what the question is. :) As a teenager I will undoubtedly say that I should have more freedom and independence. In this case, I don't even ask my parents for permission if I can do something, I just make the decision on my own and go ahead and do it if that's what I decide.

[Moser]

I am a teenager too and I hate it when my parents say no. But usually i can get away with most anything. heh. But I feel that they should say no more because it would be better for the child later on in life when they actually DO have to get a job and work for the things they want.

In the article I read they said that a little 9 year old kid asked his mom for a cell phone and she said yes. Now thats just down right ridiculous. They also shows what some teenagers were driving and there were BMW's, Danali's, and lots of other really nice cars.. thats just having to much money or somthing.

BTW: TheBB your post kindda confused me.. But since I posted this in the Intellectual Roundtable I am going to read over it once again and figure it out.. :P

[singo]

"Should parents say "No" more often?"

It depends what the question is. :) As a teenager I will undoubtedly say that I should have more freedom and independence. In this case, I don't even ask my parents for permission if I can do something, I just make the decision on my own and go ahead and do it if that's what I decide.
Its easier to gain forgiveness than permission :P


personally, im of the "dont say no........hit them with a big stick if they play silly buggers" school of thought

and im a 17 yr old and think the world was better when punishment was dished out more democratically than government.

[TheBB]

BTW: TheBB your post kindda confused me.. But since I posted this in the Intellectual Roundtable I am going to read over it once again and figure it out..

Clarification:

Let A be two unbelievably strict parents who say no to their children far too often.
Let B be two equally unbelievably easy going parents who say no to their children far too little.

Stating that parents should say no to children more often will then be true for B but false for A.
Equally, stating that parents should say yes to children more often will be true for A but false for B.

Hence, a clear and definite answer to your question is impossible, under the assumption that there are parents saying no too often AND parents saying no too little.

[Moser]

Err.. okay. Your first post doesn't make much sence to me and your second post makes the first one make less sence. But I are you trying to say that parents who say no to much should say yes more, and parents who say yes to much should say no more? (i feel stupid.)

[TheBB]

Yes, that is what I'm saying...

- Some parents say no too much and the answer to your poll question should read "no" for them.
- Some parents say yes too much and the answer to your poll question should read "yes" for them.

It is therefore not possible to give an answer to your poll question that is valid for ALL parents.

[Moser]

Oh.. you messed me up with the poll, thats why i didn't get it.. haha!

[gediminas]

I don't know...
In our family we, the children (me and sis) are to decide what's good and bad.
I mean I don't ask my mom to buy me a cell phone not beacause I don't want one,
it's because I know it might result bad on the family budget, and my sister already
changed 2 cell phones in a year, and she's younger than me...
Though I myself still don't understand what's so special about what I just said...

[Markpyro]

Yes, i think they should say no more, because i heard that when a parent sets more rules, the child becomes more structured, resulting in good organizational and time habits.

[EdvardMunch]

What this all boils down to is parenting style and what the best form is. There are three basic types of parenting:
1. Authoritarian - Very strict parenting. Parents do not listen to their kids very much and force the child to develop the way the parent feels they should.
2. Permissive - The exact opposite of authoritarian. Let the kid do whatever they feel like doing. Discipline is often rare.
3. Authoritative - A balance between authoritarian and permissive parenting. Children are disciplined for doing wrong, but also listened to. This form of parenting results in the most secure, well adjusted, and prosocial children.

So, as TheBB said, whether parents need to say No more often depends on how permissive they are. If you think parents as a whole are more permissive then, yes, they should say No more often.

However, it's not as simple as saying No. One major aspect of confidence is an internal locus of control. Locus of control refers to how much control a person thinks they have over their life. An internal locus of control means that person believes they are in control of their life, and all of their failures and successes were caused by them alone. An external locus of control means that person believes their life is governed by things like fate and luck.

In this case, if a parent says No to their child very often, the child will lose belief that they have control over their own life, thus their locus of control will turn outward and they'll lose confidence.

But you think to yourself: Isn't it good for parents to say no? This way, kids won't get dependent on parents?

Well, making a child independent is hardly something that happens overnight. Young children especially are dependent on their parents, and the world is filtered through their parents. For a parent to repeatedly reject a child is to tell that child they have no control over their parents and, thus, no control over the people who control their world.

But do young kids actually see their parents as controlling their world? Psychologists and child researchers Jean Piaget and Lawrence Kohlberg seem to think so.

According to http://faculty.plts.edu/gpence/html/kohlberg.htm Piaget's findings indicate that "younger children regard rules as fixed and absolute. They believe that rules are handed down by adults or by God and that one cannot change them." Whereas Kohlberg is responsible for the hardly cleverly named "Kohlberg's Stages of Moral Development." Kohlberg's Stages of Moral Development refer to how people view morality as they grow. Children start out with the first stage, in which they see morality as simply following rules. Adults or God hand down rules that must be unquestionably obeyed. That's that. The punishment involved in disobeying the rules merely proves that following the rules is right.

(a very good description of the six stages of Kohlberg's Stages of Moral Development is available on that website up there. Scroll down a bit to find it)

Under this mindset, it is no wonder that young children are dependent on parents. Thus, to make a child confident that child needs to feel like they have some control over their parents.

As kids grow older, things change. They see how rewards and punishments work better and the child's own physical growth allows for things which were once impossible (like walking to the mall with friends, instead of needing a ride). Teens are still dependent on their parents, but to a lesser degree, and parents need to make sure of this. As kids grow older, they develop new skills and abilities that, IMO, parents should make sure their kids use.

Deviating from what I've learned about child development and into my own theory: Parents should only do for children what children can't mentally and physically do for themselves. At the same time, they need to give love to their children and respect their child's wishes. Don't reject what a child wants because you'd never go with it, reject it because it will cause physical or emotional harm either to the child, family, or others.

One thing parents need to understand is that children are not tiny adults. They will develop new thoughts and more complex thinking as they grow older. Any parent who wants their seven year old to have the same kind of responsibility as an independent adult is simply out of touch with the reality of children. That parent needs to wait a while.

[Markpyro]

AHHHH too long post :( cant read... eyes hurt from long post...

[Valjean]

There are three basic types of parenting:
1. Authoritarian - Very strict parenting. Parents do not listen to their kids very much and force the child to develop the way the parent feels they should.
2. Permissive - The exact opposite of authoritarian. Let the kid do whatever they feel like doing. Discipline is often rare.
3. Authoritative - A balance between authoritarian and permissive parenting. Children are disciplined for doing wrong, but also listened to. This form of parenting results in the most secure, well adjusted, and prosocial children.

Heh. Well, both of my parents are #3, so I don't think my parents specifically should say no or yes more often.

[Seraph_Knight]

-deleted-

[Basan]

Ditto, on Edvard. Totally agree. ;)

My folks were of the 3rd kind. But my dad was stuck on the 2nd stage u spoke of when I was 'bout 17... and that gave me quite a deal of trouble. He tried 2 back up on what I was used 2 (liberties / responsabilities) since I was 14-15. It was a bummer! Eh, go figure what snapped on it's head. :P