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Carnage
08-19-2004, 12:09 AM
Enjoy. I'll spellcheck tomorrow, get up another chapter, and maybe even the profiles if I can find 'em. :P

Chapter 1

*Demon Child's prey races from rooftop to rooftop, leaving drops of blood from the gaping hole in its left side. DC persues it mercilessly, but still stealthily, as it isn't dark enough yet to fly. Just as he's about to chuck a fireball at it, the fiend drops into an alley. DC follows.*

DC: *hitting the ground from a three story fall* Hey! I've got other plans tonight, y'know!

*He scans the alley and finds nothing, or so it would seem. Suddenly, the brick wall behind him comes to life as the creature strikes from its chameleon-like hiding place. Demon Child is faster though, clutching the creature's neck in one hand and slamming it to the concrete.*

DC: Hold still, skippy. This won't hurt for long. *He draws his razorsharp double-edged sword and swings it , cutting the four-armed reptilian alien to pieces. He then uses the sword to scrape the pieces into a trashcan.*

*Sheathing his sword with a wicked grin, he turns to leave the alley when his walkie talkie starts beeping.*

DC: *Answering it* Tim? *instantly regretting it*

PC99: *sighing* Tim's been gone for awhile, DC.

DC: I'm still grieving.

PC99: Oh! So that's what you call it!

DC: I'm sorry. Did you have a reason for calling?

PC99: Ah yes. I've got some good news and bad news about our little friends, the... what did you so affectionately dub them?

DC: Shit-Eaters.

PC99: Ah. Yes. According to one of your books, the four-armed demons known as Kra...Kri...

DC: How many syllables?

PC99: *The sound of pages flipping is heard*

DC: Thought so. Just call them shit-eaters.

PC99: *annoyed* Fine. The "Shit Eaters" are known for their speed, agility, viciousness-

DC: Ya-huh...

PC99: The Hounds of Deception, Beasts of Vileness, Guardians of Wretchedness-

DC: Would this be the good news or the bad news!?

PC99: Alright! Keep your pants on! The good news is they can be killed without the aid of divine weaponry or magic.

DC: And the bad news?

PC99: The "Shit Eaters" have been known to tear holes in the fabric of space and time; opening portals to dimensions of indescribable horror and chaos.

DC: Talented little buggers.

PC99: To close these holes, you must send the remains of the... "Shit Eater" through.

DC: *proceeds to lift the garbage can over his right shoulder* Riiiight. Any hints to where this portal might be?

PC99: Portal-suh...

DC: Goodie.

PC99: Portals have been made in places where prey can be accessed easily.

DC: Like...

PC99: Search me. Better call in the bloodhound for this one.

DC: Oh, you don't mean...

PC99: I do. He can track the trail of the Shit Eater back to where it's been.

DC: Fine... just hope he has his walkie talkie on. That's the simplest technology he's been able to grasp so far. Demon Child out.

End of Chapter 1

Shinigami
08-19-2004, 2:21 AM
My notes are in italics and below the paragraphs they criticize.
*Demon Child's prey races from rooftop to rooftop, leaving drops of blood from the gaping hole in its left side. DC persues it mercilessly, but still stealthily, as it isn't dark enough yet to fly. Just as he's about to chuck a fireball at it, the fiend drops into an alley. DC follows.*
I'd rethink your word choice in that first sentence. There's a conflict of logic here. How are mere "drops" of blood coing out of a "gaping hole" in this creature?

DC: *hitting the ground from a three story fall* Hey! I've got other plans tonight, y'know!

*He scans the alley and finds nothing, or so it would seem. Suddenly, the brick wall behind him comes to life as the creature strikes from its chameleon-like hiding place. Demon Child is faster though, clutching the creature's neck in one hand and slamming it to the concrete.*

DC: Hold still, skippy. This won't hurt for long. *He draws his razorsharp double-edged sword and swings it , cutting the four-armed reptilian alien to pieces. He then uses the sword to scrape the pieces into a trashcan.*
"Four-armed reptillian alien" sounds like some kid describing the Boogy Man. I think you could get the point across in a much cleaner way than "the sixteen-armed alien-reindeer hybrid with eight horns!"

*Sheathing his sword with a wicked grin, he turns to leave the alley when his walkie talkie starts beeping.*
Again, word choice. I wouldn't say a walkie talkie "beeps".

DC: *Answering it* Tim? *instantly regretting it*

PC99: *sighing* Tim's been gone for awhile, DC.

DC: I'm still grieving.

PC99: Oh! So that's what you call it!

DC: I'm sorry. Did you have a reason for calling?

PC99: Ah yes. I've got some good news and bad news about our little friends, the... what did you so affectionately dub them?

DC: Shit-Eaters.

PC99: Ah. Yes. According to one of your books, the four-armed demons known as Kra...Kri...

DC: How many syllables?

PC99: *The sound of pages flipping is heard*

DC: Thought so. Just call them shit-eaters.

PC99: *annoyed* Fine. The "Shit Eaters" are known for their speed, agility, viciousness-

DC: Ya-huh...

PC99: The Hounds of Deception, Beasts of Vileness, Guardians of Wretchedness-

DC: Would this be the good news or the bad news!?

PC99: Alright! Keep your pants on! The good news is they can be killed without the aid of divine weaponry or magic.

DC: And the bad news?

PC99: The "Shit Eaters" have been known to tear holes in the fabric of space and time; opening portals to dimensions of indescribable horror and chaos.

DC: Talented little buggers.

PC99: To close these holes, you must send the remains of the... "Shit Eater" through.

DC: *proceeds to lift the garbage can over his right shoulder* Riiiight. Any hints to where this portal might be?

PC99: Portal-suh...

DC: Goodie.

PC99: Portals have been made in places where prey can be accessed easily.

DC: Like...

PC99: Search me. Better call in the bloodhound for this one.

DC: Oh, you don't mean...

PC99: I do. He can track the trail of the Shit Eater back to where it's been.

DC: Fine... just hope he has his walkie talkie on. That's the simplest technology he's been able to grasp so far. Demon Child out.
So far, not bad. Aside from the occasional cliche, which I really think you can avoid, it's pretty good.

TranquilNightElf
08-19-2004, 2:09 PM
Nice...

Battlecruiser
08-19-2004, 4:51 PM
Haha, nice story.

Demon_Child
08-21-2004, 11:30 AM
Another DK story. Yay. :)

Dark_Soul74
08-21-2004, 11:41 AM
I think we're still waiting on yours, too, DC. :smirk:

Nahotnoj
08-21-2004, 11:56 AM
ooh... nice story carny! *waits anxiously for chapter 2*

Demon_Child
08-21-2004, 12:45 PM
I think we're still waiting on yours, too, DC. :smirk:

Yes, I am aware of that, DS. ;)

Chapter 7 has been added.