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crybaby1117
02-20-2004, 7:20 PM
A deep breath escaped her lips as she lay down upon the soft, green grass. Her eyes closed slowly as she breathed in again, heavily, taking in the warmth of the sun, the freshness of the air, and the softness of the grass. It tickled as the wind blew it against her face. She smiled as she heard birds chirping but a few yards away from her. Their nest lay in a large tree she used to play in as a child.

This. This was home. She was comfortable here. She felt love here. It felt as if she could just reach out and hug the atmosphere. She could still smell her mama’s cooking. She could still hear her father chopping wood. Her sister playing down by the creek. Her brother chasing their dog around the yard. She truly loved coming back here.

Her grin grew wider as she heard footfalls approach where she lay. She knew who it was. She had been waiting for him.

“Kara?” That was what he called her. In Esperanto it meant ‘dear’. She loved it when he called her that. “What are you doing, kara? Are you having fun?” She peeked open her left eye and saw him standing over her. His shadow fell over her body as he smiled at her.

“I am just fine.” She replied smiling as she closed her eyes again. She took another deep breath and could smell his cologne. It was a fragrance she had bought him a long time ago. It was her favorite cologne. And he wore it just for her.

“Why don’t you get up and come inside?” He asked, bending down and holding his hand out for her to take. Her smile faded slowly and she sighed.

“I don’t think I can, sweets.” That was her pet name for him. She didn’t know whether or not he liked that name, but she did.

“Come on. You have to go in sometime. I promise I won’t leave your side. It will be fine. I promise, kara.” He touched her hand. He could feel how cold her hands were. He stood and removed his black blazer and held it out for her to wear when she stood.

Slowly, she rose from the cold ground. Knocking off the leaves with her hands that were attached to her long, black dress. She moved towards him and he placed his jacket over her shoulders. Even though it was a relatively warm day for November, the wind still sent a chill down her spine. Or maybe it wasn’t the wind. Maybe it was the reason she was home.

He walked with her towards the large house. Being much taller than she was he wrapped his arm around her shoulders to give her comfort and to keep her warm. Cars surrounded the house as more and more people arrived. Almost everyone was dressed in black. Some cried. Some didn’t.

She stopped a few yards away from the house. A small tear ran down her cheek. Her eyes grew wider as the realization of what truly had happened over the past few days sunk in.

“What is it?” He asked, looking down at her. Although, he knew the answer to the question long before he asked it.

“I don’t want to go in. I can’t do this.” She whispered, turning back from the house. She started running away from the house, as fast as she could. Running so hard that his jacket fell off of her shoulders to the ground. She cried hysterically as she ran, harder and harder. All she wanted to do was to get away. Get away as fast as she could.

He chased after her, running much faster than her to catch up. He soon found that he wouldn’t need to run faster at all. She fell to the ground a few yards ahead of him and grasped her head in pain. Her eyes were starting to swell from the crying and her chest rose quickly as she gasped for air.

“What is it? What’s wrong?!” He asked, reaching her. He fell to the ground in front of her, grasping her shoulders. Her face was completely wet from her tears and he reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. He slowly wiped away her tears. She hung her head low as he tried to get her to look at him.

He brought his hands up and held her face in them, pulling it upwards until he was looking into her eyes. He could see how sad she was. How desperately upset she was. He frowned as more tears streamed out of her eyes. He pulled her towards him and wrapped his arms around her, holding her against him.

She moved her head until her mouth was flush with his ear and whispered. “I can’t believe my sister is dead.”

BlackHawk
02-20-2004, 8:33 PM
Pretty good, at first she seems sorta happy to be at a funeral, especially of one's sibling, but that could just be because, as you said, she was home. Also you may want to explain why her sister died? But that could ruin that sorta...I dunno 'feeling' at the end where it just sorta stops.

Once again, good story, I could see you easily able to go on with this.

crybaby1117
02-20-2004, 8:39 PM
Yeah, I was going for the suspensefull ending there. Sorta like how movies just stop dead on you like that. heh.

And my sister died from an Anyerhisim. (however you spell that word). I guess I was also going for the "What is going on here?" suspensefull thing how your not POSITIVE it's a funeral until near the ending. heh. Like the hints where he was wearing a black blazer and she had a black dress on. heh. Ah well.

Sometimes I have trouble expressing myself through just plain words, so I write them down as stories or poems. It helps me get my feelings out without having to do it directly.

BlackHawk
02-20-2004, 9:26 PM
Yeah, I was going for the suspensefull ending there. Sorta like how movies just stop dead on you like that. heh.

And my sister died from an Anyerhisim. (however you spell that word). I guess I was also going for the "What is going on here?" suspensefull thing how your not POSITIVE it's a funeral until near the ending. heh. Like the hints where he was wearing a black blazer and she had a black dress on. heh. Ah well.

Sometimes I have trouble expressing myself through just plain words, so I write them down as stories or poems. It helps me get my feelings out without having to do it directly.

True story? Ouch, I'm sorry to hear that.

Eros
02-20-2004, 9:53 PM
She peeked open her left eye and saw him
I'm not sure about this, it just doesn't seem to flow. Try something like "She slipped open her..." or "...slowly opened..." Peeked open just don't seem to go together =)

It was her favorite cologne
Try "It was her favorite." Since you already used "cologne" in the sentence before, it seems a bit repetitive.

Knocking off the leaves with her hands that were attached to her long, black dress.
This just sounds a little odd. I would provide a suggestion as to how to rewrite it, but I'm not feeling to dandy at the moment. And I've still got the rest of your story to read. =D


Overall, it was a pretty good story. The general flow seemed to be interrupted constantly by the over-use of "she" and "her". Using her boyfriend's nickname for her every one in a while wouldn't hurt ;)

Sorry I'm being so critical about such things, it's just I want to get into the habit of doing it, so I can do the same to myself.

Do you have any more writing? =)

crybaby1117
02-20-2004, 10:05 PM
Thanks for your suggestions. I'll take them into consideration next time I sit down to finish the story.

Yeah, I have another piece, but it's a bit on the "I don't know if you'd like it because it has 2 girls kissing in it" side. heh. But I'll post it if you want.

Oh fuck it, I'll post it anyways. heh.

It's EXTREMLY short. I ran into writters block while writting it. Anywho...

The sun was shining ever so brightly over the tall treetops. The water below, crystal clear blue and sparkling. The sand was white and soft as if it was powdered sugar. A bird or two could be heard singing as she walked down the beach. She wore a long white flowing dress that moved with the wind. Her hair, a golden color like the rays of the sun moved as she moved. Ever so gracefully she moved further and further down the beach. She was a vision. Almost as if she was an illusion, a dream. The sun shone through her dress and all the curves of her body could be seen. The curves of her hips. Of her breasts. Of her legs. Not one part of her wasn’t visible.

She moved her hair out of her face as she strode. It was almost as if a vision from the great heavens had brought this woman to her. Sevieth sat under a palm tree, eating an apple. Enjoying the vision of this illustrious woman who walked towards her. She threw the apple core into the trees as the woman inched closer and closer to her. She stayed sitting as she came right up to her. The woman crouched down and placed her hand gently on her left cheek. She pulled her face in closer and kissed Sevieth. Her lips were soft and warm.

“Wake up sleepyhead!” Sevieth opened her eyes. She looked around as she realized that her best friend had woke her.

theAnswer
02-22-2004, 8:55 AM
nice storys i realy enjoyed them both a lot my favourite story was the 2nd one its more mysterious OoooOOOooOo but i think you should go farther with the storys esspecialy the 2nd one......

crybaby1117
02-22-2004, 2:45 PM
lol. Or maybe you just thought the second one was the best because it involved two women kissing. lol. Ah well. :p

Mordecai2k
02-22-2004, 8:17 PM
that was nice
it made me want to go watch the others again

crybaby1117
02-22-2004, 8:20 PM
The others? lol. Allrighty then. I hope thats a GOOD thing. heh.

Scauthra
02-24-2004, 10:47 PM
We need more short story writers. Mine are either not good enough or are to naughty to bring a forum -_-

Doombringer64
02-25-2004, 2:16 AM
Try "It was her favorite." Since you already used "cologne" in the sentence before, it seems a bit repetitive.
Sigh, I love people who don't know what they are talking about. The problem is not that she already used 'cologne' the problem is she used 'was.' 'Was' is a terrible descriptive word. "She inhaled the scent of her favorite cologne." See much more effective.

We need more short story writers. Mine are either not good enough or are to naughty to bring a forum -_-
If I can post stories about having "relations" with 15-year-old women I think you can post some of these naughty stories.

crybaby1117
02-25-2004, 7:38 PM
A different short story. This one is completely 100% fact. Happened yesterday. Heh. Ah well.

Miss Foley, The Doctor Will See You Now.

She woke up. Slowly she managed to roll her very tired self over just enough to see the clock. Nearly noon. She had slept for twelve hours. Not so long when you consider how much stress she was under. She rolled back onto her side and closed her eyes. For about ten minutes she lay there with her eyes closed. Not thinking about anything. Just lying.

Finally she stood from the bed and walked into the bathroom. The first thing she saw when she turned on the light was her lipstick message to herself that stated simply “2:00pm Marcuson.” This was to remind her of the appointment she most dreaded. Her MRI results were in. It was time to face the music.

After taking a long, hot shower and brushing her teeth she got dressed and was ready to go. She left a little early so she could sit with her mother and calm her nerves a bit before going to the office.

She arrived at the hospital and found a parking space in what she and her mother called “The Pit.” Which was this area of parking that was down a hill, away from everything else. She got out of her car and grabbed her purse and walked in.

Around the corner to the Cardiopulminary department she went until she saw her mom. She was happy. She missed her mother and knew her mother would help her get over her jitters.

All week long everyone had said ‘Oh, it’s nothing. They won’t find anything’, but she knew better. She could feel there was something wrong.

“Hey honey. How are you?” Her mother smiled as she walked over to give her a hug.

“I’m alright, so far.” She replied to her mother. Her mother didn’t know that today was her doctors’ appointment.

After sitting with her mother for about 20 minutes she got back into her car and made her way down to Dr. Marcusons’ office. She pulled into a space and sat there for a minute. Taking deep breaths.

“Miss Foley, Dr. Marcuson will see you now.” The woman said as she sat in the waiting area. She set the magazine she was looking at onto the table in front of herself and walked in.

The room was cold. The door swung open and the doctor walked in.

“How are we feeling today Meghan?” She asked, opening her chart.

“Have a headache right now.” Meghan explained to the doctor.

“Well, we will see if we can’t try to fix that today. I’m going to give you a generic form of Imatrex. It’s a pill that goes under your tongue and is dissolved rather quickly. It is the granddaddy of all migraine medications. If that doesn’t work then we can at least rule out migraine as a cause of your headaches.” She paused again and pulled a sheet of paper out of her chart.

“However, I have the results of your MRI. The Radiologist found a cyst in the back of your brain. It is pressing against the gland that produces your spinal fluid. Now, I don’t believe that this is the cause of your headaches, but we haven’t ruled it out as an option just yet. I’m going to recommend you see a Neurologist. I tend to lean towards either Dr. Soueidan or Dr. Harding. Which would you prefer?”

“I think I’ll go with Soueidan. I’ve heard he is rather good.” Meghan replied shortly. She was confused by the MRI results and didn’t know if she should be worried or not.

“Okay. I don’t want to give you every much information about the cyst since I am obviously not a Neurologist. I just don’t want to give you incorrect information and confuse you. But I honestly believe that when you see Dr. Soueidan he will say ‘you should never have heard about that. It isn’t anything to be worried about.’ Cysts are very common in the head and therefore are usually not a cause for concern, but the way it is pressing on that gland, it might be causing unnecessary pressure, which could be a factor for headaches. I would just feel better if you heard it through his mouth instead of mine.”

Meghan left the office after taking the Imatrex. It didn’t work. Migraines were no longer a possibility for a cause. Which was a good thing. At least they were crossing one option off the list and moving onto the next.

She stood at the elevators, but would not be able to stay still. She began crying and didn’t want anyone in the office to see her. She moved away from the windows and wiped her tears away. She wouldn’t let this get to her. Not like the tumor on her adenoids.

However, as she started driving back to the hospital to get ready for work she began crying again. Why her? Why was she getting so sick? She knew something was there. She KNEW they would find something. Could she be right about the other thoughts she had, had? Could she be dying?