So far i've written

[AzVortez]

Jason jumped over a support beam, injected himself with a stim pak, and kept on running through the crumbling outpost. Behind him, the Ultralisk chased him, clearing a clean path through the debris like a juggernaut. "Shit, it's catching up!" said another Marine running with him.

*POP*

A spider mine launched out of the ground, got on its 'feet', and shot toward the lumbering monster. It exploded, taking a chunk of its leg off, but it didn't matter. The organic war machine kept chasing, as if the injury was nothing. Both Jason and the other guy saw it. Apparently both felt differently.

"What the fuck?! It's still not dead?" screamed the marine."Keep running!" Jason yelled back. "We're gonna die anyways man! Might as well put some bullets into this bitch!" Jason could see the guy had lost all hope. "Wait, hold -" but the Marine was already gone, no longer next to him. ‘Don't look back, don't look back, you'll run faster’ Jason kept thinking to himself. The thought of the other guy all gored up would sicken him, and he knew it. But he didn't have to look back, a couple seconds later, a bloody torso landed a couple feet in front of him.

"All remaining units, report to the barracks!" the panicky voice of an officer ordered over the COM unit.



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thats just the beginning, but i have a story line planned out. I was just hoping someone could point out some mistakes i've probably made, or where i could improve on

[masterofhobbiton]

Onomatopoeias are bad, I'd take out the *pop* and stick in a description of the sound. In fact, I'd add a descriptions of the sounds of the whole battlefield to be strung along through the whole section. But my stories have too much description anyway, best listen to a better writer. :)

[Ling666]

Stop belittling yourself MoH. It's almost as bad as being overly prideful. Almost. I agree though, describe the sound instead of just going *Pop*. As my English teachers have always loved to say, "Show the reader, don't tell them." So I guess just describe the sound instead of saying what it was.

[AzVortez]

so should i just write: "A spider mine launched out of the ground, making the distinctive 'pop' sound" ?

[West]

no, more like, "I heard a loud pop as a spider mine came out of the ground."
lol, this is interesting, as I am learning literature in school and have written almost 3 front/back essay's :)
nice story by the way, i've been wanting to write a sc story,
but could never get a good introduction
plz post more :)

[AzVortez]

n"I heard a loud pop as a spider mine came out of the ground."

could you re-write how you would do that in 3rd person? (im not happy with my current vocab, i'm always flipping through the thesarus)

also, are there any pros in this? or any other mistakes/cons?

[masterofhobbiton]

Maybe something like,

"There was an unexpected popping noise, as a spider mine tore itself free of the ground and got to its 'feet,' ..." etc.
?

And yes, there are pros to this. It's gripping, realistic, doesn't have the lame dialogue a lot of early stories have...

As for any other cons, well... hmm...

It's a bit odd to say, "the thought of the other guy all gored up," using 'guy' and 'all (blanked) up' and other things you would use commonly in speech sound a bit kiddish in writing. I dunno, just keep working on it for now and get some more of the story out there. :)

[West]

Maybe something like,

"There was an unexpected popping noise, as a spider mine tore itself free of the ground and got to its 'feet,' ..." etc.
?



wow that one's nice i like that one :)

[Ling666]

wow that one's nice i like that one
Despite his tendency to sometimes say the opposite, MoH is very good at writing.

also, are there any pros in this? or any other mistakes/cons?
Pros: You didn't waste words on unnecessary stuff, you didn't simply state facts such as "3 dragoons died and a zealot fell off a cliff and another firebat died..." which some people sadly think is an interesting way to tell a story, and the way you worded some of the stuff was nice. 'Organic war machine' :).

Cons: *Pop* isn't very good, but that's been discussed a while already so I'll leave it at that. Too short, write more! ;).

[AzVortez]

Jason jumped over a support beam, injected himself with a stim pak, and kept on sprinting through the crumbling outpost. Behind him, the Ultralisk, a mammoth sized beast with huge scythe-like tusks, charged towards him, clearing a clean path through the debris like a juggernaut, all the while bellowing with its deafening roar. "Shit, here it comes!" said another Marine running with him.

A spider mine tore itself out of the ground, scrambling onto its feet. It shot toward the lumbering monster and detonated, blasting a chunk of its leg off. But it didn't matter. The organic war machine kept chasing him, as if the injury was nothing. Both Jason and the other guy saw it. Apparently both felt differently.

"What the fuck?! It's still not dead?" screamed the marine."Keep running!" Jason yelled back. "We're gonna die anyways man! Might as well put some bullets into this bitch!" Jason could see the soldier had lost all hope. "Wait, hold -" but the Marine was already gone, no longer next to him. ‘Don't look back, don't look back, you'll run faster’ Jason kept thinking to himself. Just the idea of a man and his organs and such flying around made him retch. But he didn't have to look back. No sooner had the Marine disappeared, a bloody torso landed a couple feet in front of him.

"All remaining units, report to the barracks!" the panicky voice of an officer ordered over the COM unit.

Jason’s visor immediately displayed the quickest route to the destination. It was past some supply depots and around the corner of the engineering bay. So close, yet so far. He felt his body slowing down, and although he knew the consequences of another stim pak, he preferred to still be alive. As soon as he injected himself, the hallucinations began. He felt as if someone was burning his backside with a flame thrower, the Ultralisk still chasing him looked like Satan himself. The world blinked pretty colors at him, constantly changing like a pretty computer design, but somewhere in the back of his head, he continued with what he had to: get to the barracks.

* * *

Master Sergeant John Halbord was very uneasy. The base was overrun, smoldering and collapsing everywhere. His job was to help all remaining units to evacuate, and all he had was one tank that he and his partner operated. At least once he got to the barracks there would be some sort of infantry support for him.

The COM crackled to life.

"Master Sergeant John Halbord, do you copy?” the COM asked.
“Copy, awaiting orders, sir.” John replied.
“An Ultralisk has been spotted north west of your current position by 312 meters. Eliminate it.” The COM ordered.
“Yes sir!”

As if no time passed, the master sergeant saw the abomination chasing a group of engineers, and a marine within that group. The Ultralisk was missing most of a leg, but like all the Zerg, ignored even the fatalist injuries. But no organism could survive a shot in the brain. Especially a well aimed 30mm round from an arclite cannon.

The two men in the tank felt the tank lurch back, as the projectile exited from the tanks cannon, and slammed straight into the beast’s face. John had never faced an Ultralisk before, but he knew the basics of organisms, and knew that without vital organs, such as the brain, the body can’t function. But it turns out he was wrong, because all that shot seemed to do was attract the atrocities attention. It faced the tank, and suddenly John’s uneasiness spiked into terror, as the elephantine cannibal charged towards them. The Ultralisk collided into the tank, and the shock it generated made John disoriented to a point that he almost forgot where he was for a moment.


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theres more. This is far from the end, and i've fixed some things. i hope that i've fixed all my mistakes, but i seriously doubt it. so again, i'd like to trouble everyone to tell me what can be done this time :)

[masterofhobbiton]

Well, there's some spelling and grammar issues, but those are kind of insignificant.

Hmm, one part I'm not sure about is a scentance where you use the same adjective twice in a row, "pretty colors at him like a pretty computer design." Doesn't quite sound right somehow.

[AzVortez]

hmm yes, i have no idea why i did that :| a mistake by me. anything else?