The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

[Gunmonk]

OMG somebody sat down and read the bible! This is what they came up with.

http://www.cracked.com/article_15699_9-most-badass-bible-verses.html

Enjoy

[Atillawurm]

wow that was entertaining

[ecyor0]

.....they're being rather childish about it all to tell the truth. Besides, they missed one of the best ones (goes to find it....)

[dunchy]

Lots of lists everyday with cracked.

[ecyor0]

Ah, here it is.

then he said, ‘Go and say to Ahab, “Harness your chariot and go down before the rain stops you.” ’ In a little while the heavens grew black with clouds and wind; there was heavy rain. Ahab rode off and went to Jezreel. But the hand of the Lord was on Elijah; he girded up his loins and ran in front of Ahab to the entrance of Jezreel.

Remember, Ahab was on a chariot. XD

[Gunmonk]

Ah, here it is.



Remember, Ahab was on a chariot. XD

I dunno... I think thats why, at least to me, is so freaking awesome. It's got all these stories of killing, loving, and philosophy in it... its like the matrix almost

[Faiien]

read this when it was on digg's front page
pretty entertaining stuff/disturbing/ehhh...

[SilverCrusader]

Gah, why does everyone use the English simplified text. Phrases such as "In a little while" were never used.

[Hasharin]

that was awesome :D the last one was weird.

[kongurous]

Gah, why does everyone use the English simplified text. Phrases such as "In a little while" were never used.

Because it really matters so much.

[SilverCrusader]

Well, it might seem insignificant but the English simplified versions often mistranslate old figures of speech.

[DarkMirror]

The last one? I'm thinking the cock one.

[Jimmy_the_saint]

I read them. My friends read them. And we all think they are legit. But they may or may not convey the idea of Christianity fully.

[King_Critter]

Haha, that's frick'n awesome. :D

[Modred]

I read them. My friends read them. And we all think they are legit. But they may or may not convey the idea of Christianity fully.

Of course they're all real Bible verses. I can't say that the author of this article is doing a proper job of analysis, but that's kind of the point, isn't it?

Well, it might seem insignificant but the English simplified versions often mistranslate old figures of speech.

What do you mean by "simplified" version. I'm not particularly a fan of the New International Version, but I generally use the New Living Translation, which I'm assuming you will dislike even more. Regardless of the means of interpretation (word-for-word versus thought-for-thought), some amount of inference about what the original author meant is required by the translator.

Consider what texts are used to create our modern English-language Bibles; usually teams of scholars rely on a copy of the Hebrew Bible and the Greek New Testament, almost always versions produced within the last century. Now, are those texts in the exact ancient forms as they were originally written? I highly doubt it.

And what of places where the Greek references the Hebrew, but the chosen Greek translation of the Hebrew might not be the best translation of the Hebrew to English? Which one should be chosen? Which meaning the translator uses could subtly affect the entire meaning of the passage in question. Even with a direct, literal translation you face subjective issues such as these.

This image (http://www.zondervan.com/images/cms/Bibles/bible_transchrt_js.jpg) provides a range of many English translations, ranked by the type of translation it represents. For reference, I generally use the NLT and cross reference with the ESV from time to time. The differences I find in meaning are usually subtle, while the NLT is much easier to read.

[Jimmy_the_saint]

Of course they're all real Bible verses. I can't say that the author of this article is doing a proper job of analysis, but that's kind of the point, isn't it?

Yeah but he could've added a whole bunch of bullcrap in to jazz it up a bit.

[Faiien]

i think it was already jazzed up enough
i mean instead of normal bears, do you want polar bears mauling kids?
hmmm? no, lol i think it was already dramatized enough

[Thedutchjelle]

Rofl.

Nice article.

[Giggilyomeromicon]

With an ass's jawbone
I have made asses of them.
With an ass's jawbone
I have killed a thousand men.

probably the best lines in the entire bible

[UMSLdragon]

Lol, not totally accurate, but w/e. He was out having fun and putting funny ideas to old goodies of a story :D I laughed perty good. I like to do this sort of thing when I read the bible. Makes it so much more interesting :D

[Vhaeraun]

Even the writers of the bible knew the laws of the universe. Turn your attention to the second quote on the page

Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

42 is indeed the answer to everything.

[GenocideAlive]

My personal favorite lines of the Bible were something along God telling Moses and his sons to grab some swords and slaughter the unarmed Golden Calf worshippers. It just takes "surreal" to a whole new level.

[ecyor0]

Weell, take into consideration that they were effectively engaging in pagan worship when God was right there in front of them, so to speak, and you can see how that would be one of the worst acts of treason/rebellion/whatever-you-want-to-call-it that they could have performed.

[U-238]

I just wonder while Sampson was killing all 1000 of those fools if a deep voice came over the horizon.

"Killing Spree!"

[GenocideAlive]

Weell, take into consideration that they were effectively engaging in pagan worship when God was right there in front of them, so to speak, and you can see how that would be one of the worst acts of treason/rebellion/whatever-you-want-to-call-it that they could have performed.
I'm not here to justify the slaughter of unarmed pacifists, I'm just saying that it must have been fucking wild to be Moses' son at that point. I can only imagine the crisis of conscience that comes with your dad saying "Son, the invisible all-powerful being that only talk to me says that we have to kill all those people hanging out down there. They're worshipping a calf, and it's pissing him off."

[Thedutchjelle]

I just wonder while Sampson was killing all 1000 of those fools if a deep voice came over the horizon.

"Killing Spree!"

More like

"Godlike!"
;)

@Lol at GA

[Gunmonk]

I'm not here to justify the slaughter of unarmed pacifists, I'm just saying that it must have been fucking wild to be Moses' son at that point. I can only imagine the crisis of conscience that comes with your dad saying "Son, the invisible all-powerful being that only talk to me says that we have to kill all those people hanging out down there. They're worshipping a calf, and it's pissing him off."


Seeing as how israel was a theocracy back in the day...

[femoimal]

who can enlighten us on the most badass lines of the inquisition?
Or perhaps of the little red book of Mao ? I had the little green book of Muhamar Kadhafi that was quite a laugh, but i lost it when i last moved (really, and do not ask me how i got hold of it, i do not recall).

[SilverCrusader]

I'm not here to justify the slaughter of unarmed pacifists, I'm just saying that it must have been fucking wild to be Moses' son at that point. I can only imagine the crisis of conscience that comes with your dad saying "Son, the invisible all-powerful being that only talk to me says that we have to kill all those people hanging out down there. They're worshipping a calf, and it's pissing him off."
1. He tried talking to the people, they wouldn't listen.
2. the old testament is easy to misinterpret
3. In the old testament blaspheme was the only unforgivable sin.

[GenocideAlive]

Again: whatever. I don't care, you don't need to justify religious genocide to me. It's just a funny part of the scripture, where bloody Christian imperialism seems to wax whimsical. A golden calf? That's just funny.

[femoimal]

GENOCIDE ALIVE !! Little worthless human invertebrate, kneel in AWE in front of the GOLDEN.. what already?.. ah, yes, CALF !
How DARE you desecrate the Calf that Came Down The Skies with your insolence ? If you do not rescinder your insults a mighty bolt of light will come down and vapourize your Marxist Book Collection !
....For the Calf is Simply the Very Same Golden Fleece that my ancestors Jason and The Argonauts brought back, trans mutated by faith and alchemical cosmic energies. It was a message the Nazca Figures Drawers left us to guide us through the polycrystalline meanders to... WHATEVER YOU INFIDEL ! REPENT OR SEE YOUR NET PROVIDER TURN TO ASHES!!!!

....And no it is not funny, it is a very nice decorative garment to enlighten your living room, especially with many low-hung warm lights around its edges. I have one over the fireplace and Wow i can tell you, my intestinal transit has improved beyond belief.

[Zerg_eater]

what the f did you just say?


EDIT: Wasn't this locked? I saw a lock icon next to this.

[Serban]

yeah me too O_O

Also, like one of the comments on the link said, this is just CRAVING, SCREAMING, LONGING for a Pulp Fiction reference.

[femoimal]

oh common lads, sometimes you must look beyond raw words and find humor :D and brotherly love :)

[pytum]

the bible says that there were giants on the earth!!! yay!!

[GenocideAlive]

Unicorns, too. =D

Everybody likes unicorns.

[Kingscrab]

Awesome! Who knew being an old school christian could be SO MUCH FUN! :_owned:

[SuiCidAl-KiSmEt]

Unicorns
Or 'one horn' (http://www.answersingenesis.org/creation/v14/i2/unicorn.asp)?

[femoimal]

did any of you (read gunmonk) went to or had a direct eye report from the new creationist museum in kentucky ?


here is a helper to find the 9 most badass quotes of the Spanish Inquisition

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F56ZZzz4meU&feature=related

how the hell do i include a youtube thingy here ?

[GenocideAlive]

Or 'one horn' (http://www.answersingenesis.org/creation/v14/i2/unicorn.asp)?
Sorry, I don't read from websites that openly defy established scientific theory to assuage the minds of the masses. The book says unicorn. If I can't belive what the book says about that, then it throws into question the entire book.

[Gunmonk]

Sorry, I don't read from websites that openly defy established scientific theory to assuage the minds of the masses. The book says unicorn. If I can't belive what the book says about that, then it throws into question the entire book. Dumb Fuck


Oooh not looking into some ancient hebrew? Why if I were a mod I'd give you neg rep for such stupidity. They arent even going off whether the unicorn existed or not... they are going to its original hebrew context, which can mean ox, or a variety of other things.
Aj now you can give me an infraction for trolling

[IrishDutchman]

Oooh not looking into some ancient hebrew? Why if I were a mod I'd give you neg rep for such stupidity. They arent even going off whether the unicorn existed or not... they are going to its original hebrew context, which can mean ox, or a variety of other things.


That's what I hate about bible discussion. Whenever it touches a passage of the bible that is completely apeshit crazy (there are enough), the defenders pull out the old 'Mistranslation' or 'Metaphoric Interpretation' card.
You could take any book, fuck about with semantics for a couple of hours and eventually find some deep and wise answer to the meaning of life. Let's just take everything at face value, ok?
If it says in the bible there was a unicorn, then according to the bible, there was a unicorn.
That should seem pretty simple to me.
But according to you, if it says in the bible there was a unicorn, then according to the bible, it isn't actually a unicorn, but an ox.

It is impossible and pointless to discuss about a book if you start interchanging words with other ones that were synonyms in Hebrew.

[Modred]

It is impossible and pointless to discuss about a book if you start interchanging words with other ones that were synonyms in Hebrew.

So if I mistranslate an ancient work, then I'm automatically correct? Sweet.

[IrishDutchman]

So if I mistranslate an ancient work, then I'm automatically correct? Sweet.

As far as I know, most Christians in Europe and the US don't read their bibles in Hebrew. Nor do preachers read from the Hebrew bible in church. What US Christians follow is an English translation, it's what they believe to contain everything there is to know about their religion. So, yes. They might have mistranslated it, but nearly every western Christian thinks they're correct.

[Protoss_Honor]

Perhaps I am missing the whole point of this argument, but are you all not referring to the King James Version of the Bible? As in, the version from the 1600's? As in, a version not widely used these days due to being written in an outdated version of English? We have more up to date editions. Editions in which the word "unicorn" is correctly retranslated as "wild ox."
As far as I know, most Christians in Europe and the US don't read their bibles in Hebrew. Nor do preachers read from the Hebrew bible in church. What US Christians follow is an English translation, it's what they believe to contain everything there is to know about their religion. So, yes. They might have mistranslated it, but nearly every western Christian thinks they're correct.A. humans make mistakes. B. we try to correct some of them. One mistake was the writers of the King James version of the Bible translating a Hebrew word incorrectly. That mistake was later corrected in the New King James Version, as well as other editions. You have heard of the NKJV, yes? It is the edition that came out in 1979-1981. You know, the one that was written in modern English, not middle English like the KJV?



Either way, it does not matter to me if I manage to convince you or not. I do not really care what a bunch of people over the internet think about me, my religion, or the Bible. I just thought I should point out a hole I saw in your argument.

[Kingscrab]

If it says in the bible there was a unicorn, then according to the bible, there was a unicorn. That should seem pretty simple to me. No shit sherlock! Who's the jerk who claims unicorns don't exist!? Gunmonk!?

I saw one in my back yard and got a picture, even!!!! :_papple:

[GenocideAlive]

Oooh not looking into some ancient hebrew? Why if I were a mod I'd give you neg rep for such stupidity. They arent even going off whether the unicorn existed or not... they are going to its original hebrew context, which can mean ox, or a variety of other things.
Obviously you intend to garner some attention for your outbursts, child. You may hide little cowardly "dumb fuck" insults in grey text all you'd like, but it does nothing but expose your inability to articulate your emotions beyond the 6th grade level. There's no need to "infract" you for trolling, as both as a debator and a troll, you fail.

Every Bible I have ever looked at has labeled this Hebrew word as "unicorn". This isn't particularly convincing in and of itself, as I don't run around checking every Bible I see. However, what it does say, is that at least 100+ Bibles around the country (according to you) are printed with an exact wrong word. If this really is (mis)printed in the KJV as a rule, then the most popular, widespread, and accepted version in the history of the Bible is containing blatant errors.

For something that's supposedly divinely inspired, divinely protected, etc. etc., it seems a little ludicrous to think that at any point and time any number of words in the Bible could be exactly wrong. As IrishDutchman pointed out, it becomes a little humorous to see the number of passages that supposedly aren't wrong because they're metaphorical, and then the number of words that are wrong because of mistranslations according to Bible enthusiasts in order to protect the sanctity of the text.

So really, how many Christians actually believe what is "correct"? I can scrounge up a handful that will tell you that if the Bible says so, then it is so. Unicorns, giants, whatever, they believe the Bible. If the Bible is printed incorrectly, many of your peers are being led down a false path.

[Gunmonk]

Obviously you intend to garner some attention for your outbursts, child. You may hide little cowardly "dumb fuck" insults in grey text all you'd like, but it does nothing but expose your inability to articulate your emotions beyond the 6th grade level. There's no need to "infract" you for trolling, as both as a debator and a troll, you fail.

Every Bible I have ever looked at has labeled this Hebrew word as "unicorn". This isn't particularly convincing in and of itself, as I don't run around checking every Bible I see. However, what it does say, is that at least 100+ Bibles around the country (according to you) are printed with an exact wrong word. If this really is (mis)printed in the KJV as a rule, then the most popular, widespread, and accepted version in the history of the Bible is containing blatant errors.

For something that's supposedly divinely inspired, divinely protected, etc. etc., it seems a little ludicrous to think that at any point and time any number of words in the Bible could be exactly wrong. As IrishDutchman pointed out, it becomes a little humorous to see the number of passages that supposedly aren't wrong because they're metaphorical, and then the number of words that are wrong because of mistranslations according to Bible enthusiasts in order to protect the sanctity of the text.

So really, how many Christians actually believe what is "correct"? I can scrounge up a handful that will tell you that if the Bible says so, then it is so. Unicorns, giants, whatever, they believe the Bible. If the Bible is printed incorrectly, many of your peers are being led down a false path.

And as a wanna be fag of an ex moderator, you pwn.

Not errors per se, but mistranslations. The word could quite easily mean unicorn, and seeing as how the KJV was translated during the reformation, the thinking may have been much different at the time. However I find it funny that you tell me I fail as a debater and a troll, you fail in making arguments, I'm counting at least one fallacy in your "argument" that being burden of proof. Now you also tell me I am expressing myself such as a 6th grade child, you are right GA, I could never compare to a wow playing security guard turned night time criminal chaser. Thing is its not being printed incorrectly, the main ideas and thoughts are still there and the word unicorn does little to detract from the fact that God sent his son to die for us.

Also I'd like to see where you are getting more of your facts from, not that I am saying you are wrong, but... The NIV is the most widespread and circulated bible in print, king james is the closest to the greek hebrew and aramaic. But heck seeing seeing as how you know more than I do, go read a transliterated greek and hebrew bible and see what you walk away with. Honestly, you are becoming a stunning resemblance of Xenon and likewise really starting to get on my fucking nerves kid

[femoimal]

I guess that the Bible is a breathing text and that it has to adjust too, just like bards' poems did. If in a few years, some funny geneticist comes up with a hybrid of a narwal and a horse, they will put unicorn back in, won't they ? If the environment goes sour and the educational standards fail as they say, i am sure the catastrophic references will sharpen up and the text will be simplified yet again. Same if we come up with a strong christian leader, perhaps ?

no, well, as we go about mistranslations, i heard that the Mormons keep away from blood transfusions because of a translation mistake between greek and latin, is that so ?

ah, where does "wanna be fag" fits ? Avoid using "fag", because as a gay friend told me, it symbolizes the wooden fagots used to burn them alive for sodomy. A rather unpleasant perspective, especially if your house is under the wind. Use "sissy" or any imaginative and colorful badass reference of the bible ;)

I wonder if somebody lives by the Epic of Gilgamesh these days, hands up anyone ?

What i like about the Bible is that it is viciously violent, just like real life. Its full of prejudice, bile and ethnic slaughters, just like the TV News. Trying to castrate humans with political correctness and cheap Freudian crap is flying in the face of reality. Your government is not correct with you (it strives for its survival, not yours), your boss is not correct with you (he looks for his profit, not your well-being), your neighbors are at best mostly neutral. Life is full of violence and bitching choices, and we are built to deal with it, i think. Otherwise we loose our spine and become enslaved.

Will they emasculate the old testament too ? Will those 'badass' verses disappear one day "for the sake of our children" and be replaced by Mary-Poppins metaphores ?