GenocideAlive
05-21-2007, 8:23 PM
It's Diablo II, I am a hero. An epic-questor. I was given a quest to stop the main dude himself from reaching the tomb of Tal Rasha, at L18. Figures. But, I'm the man, of course they would call on me in their hour of need. So I manage, you know? I handle my business. I pretty much stomp ass all the way to the doorstep. I've got a Druid Lycanthrope, and anyone will tell you that they're not exactly death on a stick. I'm coming close, though, I'm doing the deed like I need to get to the candy center.
I finally reach the entrance to the tomb itself, after having sacrificed the Horadric Staff as some sort of primitive key. I say "primitive" and not "advanced" because you figure if these mage guys were smart they'd make the lock something a little harder to open for demons. Something like a key that only Good aligned people could hold. But they're just mages, you know? As long as there's ominous sounds and a lightshow, they're satisfied. They're not locksmiths.
I step into the tomb, and lo, Diablo has obviously come and gone. There is simply what appears to be a maggot two-armed tank in his stead. I use the term "arm" loosely, to refer to the giant stick-like cannon barrel appendages hanging off his torso that end in (probably) dull points. Surprisingly, this maggot thing has no problems with mobility despite that it has no apparent means of locomotion. There was an honest attempt by someone to give a "wriggling" appearance to his bodyframe when he's moving entirely too fast across the screen, but they obviously didn't dwell on it. That time was obviously far better spent adding shading onto his tree-trunks-for-arms muscles.
The first thing he does when he arrests his unseemly mass to move is to basically blink over to my sprite. He then does some unfathomable motions that can only be described as "two arms twitching without elbows". While at first I was thinking this was funny, it rapidly lost his humor after he took half my life with two blows and froze my PC. OK, so, healing potion? My character, who generally stays afloat by rapid life-stealing attacks, was beginning to flounder as Duriel's 10 second freeze slowed his speed by 3/4. My cold damage stacked with a defensive-armored Frost Nova usually gives me an edge in one-on-one combat, but unfortunately Duriel seemed to rather enjoy the cooling effect.
I tried out a tactic I like to call "The Braveheart Regroup", but would probably be termed "Chickenshit Fleeing" by an unsophisticated onlooker. This failed, by in large, because I noticed that his tank tracks, wiggling, or whatever the fuck moves his huge maggoty ass are mobilizing him at triple the rate at which I can move away. Plus, his cramped lair seemed rather intentionally designed for the speedy melee rape of bipeds. It was around this point that I realized that he also had some kind of Area-of-Effect cold spell that was making shit worse.
So I turned and basically beat the hell out of him for about 35 seconds. I go through 23 potions and 1 mana potion. Finally, one of his physically impossible strikes hits me as my Werewolf form wears off. Well, that just ran a little long, no big deal. It's not like I ran along the walls, desperately attempting to find the exit to escape his pursuit. ...I was looking for treasure and secret passages, I swear.
OK, so no big deal. I put a portal right outside of his lair beforehand, I can grab a few potions, pop back in, and get back to work. He can't have much life left and I just need to make sure everything's ready to finish him off. So I hit the portal, put up another one in the off chance that something doesn't go as planned, and head in.
Well, my body is halfway across the screen and I didn't realize that without Frenzy I might as well be wearing 10-inch heels. I get about halfway there before he cuts me down mid-stride. A minor setback, I simply wasn't aware of how fast he moved.
Repop, reportal, and go for the body. Got it! Killed a second later.
Repop, reportal, and go for the body. Got it, ran 10 ft., killed again. Fucker.
Repop, run in, forgot the fucking portal get inventory open before he gets over here rightclick tome of town portal die a second later. Umm...this is not good.
I now enter the tomb with him bearing down on me each time, needing to open a portal before he knocks me out of the cast. Then I need to run to the body, get my stuff, and start fighting back. I do this successfully about 4-5 times after the realization that he's at 4/5 health, and that my first encounter didn't go nearly as well as I had thought.
In the haze that follows, I notice my corpses begin to pile up as I enter the room, make a portal, and die immediately afterward. I wonder if he will start trying to hide them under the rug, or making some kind of decorations out of them. I wonder if he's embarassed when his demon friends come over, "Oh, god, sorry Malbolgia, I need to take care of this guy. Yeah, just kick his corpses over in that corner."
I wonder at what has happened to my pride. I died twice up until this point, both of which I became lodged in an awkward corner and misclicked a spell. Ashamed, I would raise hell all the way back to my body, and take it back as though forced. "Fine, I'll take it this time, but don't be so sure I'll be back for this sodden heap if this happens again." Suddenly I've increased my deaths by an order of magnitude, and I don't even care. I grab four potions and zerg back, "PLZ PLX GIVE ME MY BODIEEEEEEE..."
Duriel takes me to Browntown ten or twenty more times, and I sort of realize that my Werewolf form isn't "wearing off", Duriel is "knocking me out of it". So every time I die, he first emasculates me by removing my combat mode. Sort of like, "I don't like hairy buttsex, just switch into your other form. Thanks!" *pump* *death*
I start thinking "strategem" and "foix gras", even though those two are almost absolutely irrelevant. Duriel has defeated the essence of my character, he has broken my pride. His lifebar becomes a measure, as I wheedle it away death after death, I come to be further and further distanced from my character's fate. "You know what? Fuck this guy. He's kind of shitty anyway."
Finally, Duriel dies. The items he drops? Two shitty uniques worth a grand total of 9K and some gold. Touche, Duriel; I got the bitch ending I deserved. I almost felt like I should leave my weapon behind, or some other symbolic gesture of defeat. I may have moved on, but I move on leaving my manhood behind. All along I thought it was a battle for passage, but it was more of a rite of passage. Not to simply move to the next room, but to win decisively.
Here lies Duriel, and Genocide's masculinity. RIP, you sons of bitches.
I finally reach the entrance to the tomb itself, after having sacrificed the Horadric Staff as some sort of primitive key. I say "primitive" and not "advanced" because you figure if these mage guys were smart they'd make the lock something a little harder to open for demons. Something like a key that only Good aligned people could hold. But they're just mages, you know? As long as there's ominous sounds and a lightshow, they're satisfied. They're not locksmiths.
I step into the tomb, and lo, Diablo has obviously come and gone. There is simply what appears to be a maggot two-armed tank in his stead. I use the term "arm" loosely, to refer to the giant stick-like cannon barrel appendages hanging off his torso that end in (probably) dull points. Surprisingly, this maggot thing has no problems with mobility despite that it has no apparent means of locomotion. There was an honest attempt by someone to give a "wriggling" appearance to his bodyframe when he's moving entirely too fast across the screen, but they obviously didn't dwell on it. That time was obviously far better spent adding shading onto his tree-trunks-for-arms muscles.
The first thing he does when he arrests his unseemly mass to move is to basically blink over to my sprite. He then does some unfathomable motions that can only be described as "two arms twitching without elbows". While at first I was thinking this was funny, it rapidly lost his humor after he took half my life with two blows and froze my PC. OK, so, healing potion? My character, who generally stays afloat by rapid life-stealing attacks, was beginning to flounder as Duriel's 10 second freeze slowed his speed by 3/4. My cold damage stacked with a defensive-armored Frost Nova usually gives me an edge in one-on-one combat, but unfortunately Duriel seemed to rather enjoy the cooling effect.
I tried out a tactic I like to call "The Braveheart Regroup", but would probably be termed "Chickenshit Fleeing" by an unsophisticated onlooker. This failed, by in large, because I noticed that his tank tracks, wiggling, or whatever the fuck moves his huge maggoty ass are mobilizing him at triple the rate at which I can move away. Plus, his cramped lair seemed rather intentionally designed for the speedy melee rape of bipeds. It was around this point that I realized that he also had some kind of Area-of-Effect cold spell that was making shit worse.
So I turned and basically beat the hell out of him for about 35 seconds. I go through 23 potions and 1 mana potion. Finally, one of his physically impossible strikes hits me as my Werewolf form wears off. Well, that just ran a little long, no big deal. It's not like I ran along the walls, desperately attempting to find the exit to escape his pursuit. ...I was looking for treasure and secret passages, I swear.
OK, so no big deal. I put a portal right outside of his lair beforehand, I can grab a few potions, pop back in, and get back to work. He can't have much life left and I just need to make sure everything's ready to finish him off. So I hit the portal, put up another one in the off chance that something doesn't go as planned, and head in.
Well, my body is halfway across the screen and I didn't realize that without Frenzy I might as well be wearing 10-inch heels. I get about halfway there before he cuts me down mid-stride. A minor setback, I simply wasn't aware of how fast he moved.
Repop, reportal, and go for the body. Got it! Killed a second later.
Repop, reportal, and go for the body. Got it, ran 10 ft., killed again. Fucker.
Repop, run in, forgot the fucking portal get inventory open before he gets over here rightclick tome of town portal die a second later. Umm...this is not good.
I now enter the tomb with him bearing down on me each time, needing to open a portal before he knocks me out of the cast. Then I need to run to the body, get my stuff, and start fighting back. I do this successfully about 4-5 times after the realization that he's at 4/5 health, and that my first encounter didn't go nearly as well as I had thought.
In the haze that follows, I notice my corpses begin to pile up as I enter the room, make a portal, and die immediately afterward. I wonder if he will start trying to hide them under the rug, or making some kind of decorations out of them. I wonder if he's embarassed when his demon friends come over, "Oh, god, sorry Malbolgia, I need to take care of this guy. Yeah, just kick his corpses over in that corner."
I wonder at what has happened to my pride. I died twice up until this point, both of which I became lodged in an awkward corner and misclicked a spell. Ashamed, I would raise hell all the way back to my body, and take it back as though forced. "Fine, I'll take it this time, but don't be so sure I'll be back for this sodden heap if this happens again." Suddenly I've increased my deaths by an order of magnitude, and I don't even care. I grab four potions and zerg back, "PLZ PLX GIVE ME MY BODIEEEEEEE..."
Duriel takes me to Browntown ten or twenty more times, and I sort of realize that my Werewolf form isn't "wearing off", Duriel is "knocking me out of it". So every time I die, he first emasculates me by removing my combat mode. Sort of like, "I don't like hairy buttsex, just switch into your other form. Thanks!" *pump* *death*
I start thinking "strategem" and "foix gras", even though those two are almost absolutely irrelevant. Duriel has defeated the essence of my character, he has broken my pride. His lifebar becomes a measure, as I wheedle it away death after death, I come to be further and further distanced from my character's fate. "You know what? Fuck this guy. He's kind of shitty anyway."
Finally, Duriel dies. The items he drops? Two shitty uniques worth a grand total of 9K and some gold. Touche, Duriel; I got the bitch ending I deserved. I almost felt like I should leave my weapon behind, or some other symbolic gesture of defeat. I may have moved on, but I move on leaving my manhood behind. All along I thought it was a battle for passage, but it was more of a rite of passage. Not to simply move to the next room, but to win decisively.
Here lies Duriel, and Genocide's masculinity. RIP, you sons of bitches.