more poems

[Magmaniac]

I wrote these two in the last couple days because of relationship problems and the aftermath and etc. etc.
Feedback is appreciated.


-nine fires-

A spark left yet, hope for the weary.
Intertwined, love and misery.
Time wanders with, infernos blaze.
Later the flame will dwindle and die,
That doesn't mean we should put it out.
Celebrate the warmth, enjoy the time.
Even if afterwards, it will be cold.
There is a secret, that this flame holds.
It can be reduced to nothing but
A pile of contemptuous ashes,
But there is always potential.
And there is always hope, enduring.
Biding its time for a bit more fuel,
The fire will rage as long as I stand.
Even though it may consume my soul.



-----------------------------------

-drymouths-


Dry mouths
Dry mouths and twisted truths
Twisted truths and little words and I can't stop shaking
I can't stop shaking
I can't stop
I'm sick, dry mouths
Dry mouths and cold winters
But every winter is cold
It just seems colder because the hot summer just got over
and left my mouth dry
and full of twists and turns
and lies and burns
and misdirected slander and misdirected slander and misdirected
HATE!
LOVE!
am I going or am I going crazy
or is it even
is it even even
what I ever thought?
Because that's what his voice sounds like, it doesn't mean he is angry.
There are words!
but I can't stop shaking
and my mouth is dry.
Water, water everywhere, and I'm drowning in it.
drowning with a dry mouth, shaking, full of twisted truths
But sometimes the truth is just twisted.
Where do I turn?
Where should I turn?
dazedandburningstate hazedandspinningfate
I am not a thief,
I am not a thief,
Why can't I stop shaking? I AM NOT A THIEF
Get it out of me.
Why must I always suffer the stagnation,
SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP
Ridicule for the silent! Ridicule for the loud!
DRY MOUTHS FOR ALL
and twisted little words and incoherent thoughts of what was once upon a time
and twisted little words and incoherent hopes of what may be again someday
and twisted little words and realizations and nothing is ever what you want
but the drymouths keep spilling
their sandy grains
and cutting chasms in my throat, cutting valleys in my throat
Secret lives and hidden lives, but everyone has a dry throat.
Quit fucking yelling all of the time, just SHUTUPSHUTUP
I cant stop shaking and I can't stop my drymouth from spilling these little twisted truths
I cant stop the winter
No one can stop the winter
Fuck you, you can't stop the winter.
What good are you and your dry mouth
One two three, count with me, anonymity,
One two three, we he she they thy why lie die
I just want the sun!
I just want thisonelittlemisdirectedtruth
to last,
but these dry mouths
keep spilling out words in
silence.

[B.A.Baracus]

You poor poetry writing man. They certainly have strong emotions driving them.

[ShadowGonissa]

Meh, they're not all that great. The first one was boring, and while you tried to use imagery to communicate, your images don't work because they're all thrown together. They aren't cooperating with each other to create a story. But I think I can tell what you're thinking behind it, and I like the emotion. If you could better communicate your emotion, the poems would work. I think you're trying too hard.

As for the second, well, that one makes it obvious that you listen to a lot of heavy metal. Sadly, one of the characteristics of heavy metal is that most of the lyrics aren't poetic. I think I know one song that is -- Bodies, by Drowning Pool-- but the other stuff I've heard from that band is just self-serving drivel.

What you need to do is not just write this poem for yourself, but also for your audience. There's lots of people who like heavy metal, or have in some way lived a similar life to you; write your poems to them. And remember, even though poems aren't very long, they still have to tell stories, because that is the nature of all arts. If your images work well together, then you can write poetry.

[B.A.Baracus]

You poor poetry writing man. They certainly have strong emotions driving them.

You poor fate tempting fool, now your in the same boat as him.

[hammocksleeper]

Second one was OK. I especially like the first eight verses.

Try not to use so many cliches, like blazing infernos and water, water, everywhere. You should be focusing on creating your own cliches, so to speak.