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Magmaniac
01-20-2007, 4:33 AM
I guess I haven't posted anything here for a while, so for all of you diehard fans of mine, (I know there are so many of you,) here is a song I wrote a month or so ago called "Choice" and a poem I wrote a little more recently called "One."

Feedback is always appreciated.



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-Choice-

One sky, two lights, two paths to take.
One path seems safe, but at night it keeps me awake.
One path is warm, but leaves death in it's wake.
When the fuck did I get all these choices to make?

One heart, two souls, two lives to kill.
One never moves, the other never sits still.
One's pure, the others always poppin a pill.
How am I ever going to get over this hill?

One mind, one world, but it's a barren land.
Where misery and apathy walk hand in hand.
Where the sustenance always seems a bit bland.
When can I tell when I've gotten stuck in the sand?

One life, two homes, no place to go.
It's not something to learn, it's just something to know.
Why does it always seem like I've got to put on a show?
Pain is the only seed that I'll ever sew.



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-One-

Oh, the fickle minds, Oh, the fickle multitudes.
Lives, loves, wars and thoughts of such volatility.
The ship stranded on the shores of yesterday.
Hope abandoned on the shores of tomorrow.
We wither and wish of safety and bliss.
Self-entitled self-created nothings.
You chant, "War." You chant, "Peace." I chant, "Self."
There is a person under this skin.
So full of life, love, war, and thought.
So destitute and corroded.
Let us grasp for a reason.
Watch us suffocate and die.
Do whatever you want.
Masses are innocent.
Humans are guilty.
Life is not at fault.
All things will end.
The constant, time.
The hope, pure.
Never lost.
Slipping?
Binding.
All.
One.

Frattimonde
01-20-2007, 7:10 AM
The poem is ok, but the song has a bit annoying structure.

GenocideAlive
01-20-2007, 2:24 PM
Both were OK. I'd go around a 4-5 for each.

ShadowGonissa
01-20-2007, 10:56 PM
Hm, the first one is alright. Not very flowing, but better than the "dead end" poem.

The second one is better. Not all that great, but better. What I really liked was the part when you put "Humans are guilty. Life is not at fault." That just makes sense to me, due to humanity's tendency to blame others for their own faults. Otherwise the poem wasn't particularly exciting. If you could somehow rewrite the poem based on that one quote, it would probably turn out to be good.