Nissa's poetry

[ShadowGonissa]

Heya, just thought it was put up or shut up time. Really, I've been going around and criticizing other people's stuff, so it's only fair I post something of my own. Here we go.

Okay, this one I wrote because I was trying my hand at love poetry, something I've never been good at. So you can criticize this one pretty bad, and I won't care too much. Just don't tease me for being such a fuzz. :D

Letter to my love

Ride for ruin
If you value for the king
If you value anything
If you value what you see
If you even value me
What good is a dead land
That has no heart but for greed?
What use is a dead plant
That cannot bring fruit from its seed?
What good is a dead heart
That loves no life and cannot cry?
What good is a dead man?
Good enough that he would die
For that land that bears justice
For our safety, peace of mind
For the ever fruitful vine
For the mourning you leave behind

Sheltered in the little tent
As you read this letter I write
Has it begun to rain? Or is it hot?
Will the stars come out tonight?
Is it a rough time? Is it still?
Will you go to fight? You will?
In earnest I pray for you
Safety till your tour is through
Mighty when the fight is long
My fearless man, so ever strong

No news of here
Just fear
As usual
Cowards

I'm just sitting here on my bedsheets
Typing by the lamp nearby
Thinking of how hard it must be
When you depart, waiting for me
I wait too, alone and quiet
In the warmth of my mother's house
Where the silence is deep as oceans
And the distance is many swamplands
I wish I could mail you a kiss good night
Wheresoever you should stand
I wish I could buy you a light
And place it in that comforting hand

I won't say goodbye just yet
I won't be afraid anymore
I stopped crying long before you left
Because I know you will find me
Though we never have met
Never said hello before
I wrote this letter prior to seeing your face
Because I know life will bring you to me
Now go to the lands you must
And bring back the honor ahead
Seek out this land of the dust
You'll not return to me dead

Injuries in the land of strangers
Pains in the heart of dangers
Risks you take every day
Life's games too oft in the way

And so now your heart is mending
While all the beams in the roof are bending
You might not get this love I'm sending
Just ride for ruin and the world's ending
Don't dare leave until you're done
Or the world with it will never be done
Just ride
For the end of the world

---

Weird, na? This one is even weirder. It's kind of emo, so be warned.

Please (On the Verge)

I'm a little furious
I'm always so restless
How can I take this?
On the verge
Here lost along the way
No balance, start to sway
Turn my head to look away
Singular urge

It's too cold to feel the cold
Is it worth the cold?
I look down and I think I want to jump

No please, don't hold my hand
Don't stop me when I cry
Don't put your arms around me
Please, please just let me die

Hey, what am I doing?
Hey, why am I there?
Can't I win anywhere?
Succumbing to the label
Everything I hate is true
Those I hate come and persue
Realizing there's no way through
Succumbing to my label

The terrors hate me
The tremors hate me
They send me to the verge
The rumors strike me
Companions fight me
They send me to the verge

Is it worth it? I can't swim

I don't think I believe in hope
I don't know how to fly
Gravity is the way to go
Please, please just let me die

So why did You do this?
Tell me why did You do this?
Without me, what would You miss?
I don't mean anything
All I hear is Your voice
Sounding as I make my choice
The pain whispers "make your choice"
The whispers are crippling

I'm not worth it
I'm not worth it
I'm not worth it
I'm not worth anything...

You won't have to care
I don't want You there!
Go away, I don't need You!
There's nothing in it for You.
You're just like the rest
You watch all I have go
I have nothing, I have nothing
Don't help me, You can't! No!
I want it all to end
I want to be eaten by cold
I want this breath to be my last
I don't want Your hand to hold

I don't want Your guidance...no thank You

I'll leave and end Your burden
I don't know why You try
It's the end, please understand
And please, just let me die

You don't care...do You?
You can't bring warmth...You can?
You love me, is that true?
If I love you, can I stand?
Is anything about this real?
What is it that I feel?

There's the edge. I lose
Accepting the path I choose
The end of the world...I fall
I don't understand this at all
What happened?
The verge is now far off
And I'm safe under Your wings
All the dust You brush off
And I'm safe under Your wings

Even if I don't know why
Maybe it's time to learn to fly
You're still here, You still try
But...did I really die?

---

Here's a shorter one, one of the earliest poems I ever wrote. It was this one time when I was bored in typing class, so I was playing with MSPaint.

Little Pink Dreams

Goodbye, dream, it's time to go
Sorry to leave you behind with no one you know
Whatever happens, never flee
When I come back, once again you'll inspire me
Go forward nomatter what you feel
And the time will come when you are real
As for now, I must be gone, sad
For this world leaves me mad
Crazy it is, no changing it yet
It will when you come, I bet
nomatter what
nomatter
Little pink dreams

[Frattimonde]

Pretty nice, liked the first one best though.

[Protosschick99]

First Fuzzy Love Poem: AHAHAHAHA!! Wow Nissa--I've NEVER heard or even seen this side of you before :D

"Mail you a kiss goodnight..."

"My fearless man, so ever strong"

AHAHAHAHA--You're corny! You're cheesy! Admit it :P That's okay--I am too :D

@ Poem number 2: Dude--I don't like that poem. It's dark...It's sad...It's frick'n EMO! lolz :P Stay away from stuff like that....o_0

@ Poem #3: How cute. :) Little pink dreams :D

[GenocideAlive]

*gasp* *gasp*

...rhyming...killing...meeeeeee....

*gaaaaaaaasp*

[Frattimonde]

*gasp* *gasp*

...rhyming...killing...meeeeeee....

*gaaaaaaaasp* Why so... Anti-Rhyming? Dear GA.

[Leosam096]

Wow, i really like your poem. :)

-Leosam096

[GenocideAlive]

Why so... Anti-Rhyming? Dear GA.
Poetry does not rhyme, outside of gradeschool.

There are a collection of less than 5 decent modern (last 50 years) rhyming poets. Because it's goddamned near impossible to do right; every line sounds forced and hackneyed. Love, Death, and Pain have been done over and over since the beginning of time. Either offer a fresh perspective or just...don't. Using antiquidated speech (thee, thy, etc), lofty terms (over-exaggerated adjectives), hyperbole (angelic / devil comparisons, etc.), and cliche (phrases that have been used millions of times) are pretty much immediate F- errors unless you're writing a Hallmark card.

You wouldn't see "I be smart" in a research paper without laughing your ass off. Why is it that you see:

And the distance is many swamplands
I wish I could mail you a kiss good night
Wheresoever you should stand
I wish I could buy you a light
And place it in that comforting hand

And you ask me why I hate rhyming?

Distance of many swamplands? Since when is that a unit of measurement? Oh yeah, when the "poet" needs something to rhyme with "stand" and "hand". *gag*

[Magmaniac]

GA, normally while I scroll through threads and read your posts, I agree with you and sometimes "lol" at your witty remarks, but srsly, can you gtfo? You aren't even giving constructive criticism, just attacking her form of writing. If someone wants to express them self with rhymes, it's really none of your business. What these thread are here for is constructive criticism.

Nissa, The first one is dece, kind of cliche but still well written. I really like the second one, it expresses a lot of raw, real emotionm although I thought there was some overuse of capitalization of the word "you." I didn't really get much off of the last one because I thought it was too short.

[GenocideAlive]

GA, normally while I scroll through threads and read your posts, I agree with you and sometimes "lol" at your witty remarks, but srsly, can you gtfo? You aren't even giving constructive criticism, just attacking her form of writing. If someone wants to express them self with rhymes, it's really none of your business. What these thread are here for is constructive criticism.
Magmaniac, may I ask, have you had any formal training in creative writing? Have you ever had anything you wrote get published? Speaking from the perspective of someone who has had both, I can offer a candid viewpoint: someone that knows what they're talking about. I realize that maybe you enjoy See Sally go / She's really slow / Wow what a show as a rhyme scheme, but I can assure you, that it doesn't make for poetry. It makes for a thing that you threw together that you're calling poetry.

I have listed several immediate qualifications of which are extremely important to modern poetry. So unless you're literally writing song lyrics or some kind of speciality poem (like religious topics), everyone that knows anything about poetry will immediately tell you the same thing.

I have as of yet to weigh in my personal opinion about the various and sundry poems submitted, I simply state the outright obvious facts:


Rhyming is a huge error.
Lofty terms are a huge error.
Assigning character morality / value is a huge error.
Modified sentence structure (ESPECIALLY FOR RHYMING) is a huge error.
Cliches are a huge error.


The problem with 99% of the poems that come through here is that as soon as writing the poem gets started, writers start thinking "I'm writing a poem: these are the poems that I have read and I will make mine look like that". It doesn't work that way. Nursery rhymes aren't poetry. Poetry styles from 250 years ago are no longer considered poetry--they're considered antiquidated poetry. You wouldn't try to paint like a caveman and try to get someone to give you critiques, because caveart hasn't been an accepted mode of painting for about 10,000 years.

Similarly, if you want to write poetry, you're going to have to either accept the modern rules or you have to accept no-one taking you seriously. And maybe ScottieIWU spoiled me, but I'd like to see someone who actually pays attention to what makes a poem before they start submitting random thoughts with forced rhyme for "constructive criticism". I keep trying to give constructive criticism, but most of the people here (save Frattimonde) have as of yet to actually listen to it.

If you're just going to pull whatever out of your ass and ask for comments, you can expect me to comment that it's shit.

[CrazyTom]

That second poem made me think of someone abandoning their religious faith... written at a time of personal crisis?

[ShadowGonissa]

Not really, Tom. Well, sort of. I always think of "the verge" as a place of choice, and if I take the easy way out, that's jumping off of the verge. And that means I die, inwardly at the very least. But for some reason I can't do that, most of the time. God's always like "No, you're not going to do that" and so I don't. It's really cool.

Come on, Mag. Poems don't have to be long to be good. :D

And um, Genocide, if you want to state your opinion on rhymes, please feel free to do so, in another thread. Got any comment on mine? Or were you leaving? :D

Just kidding. Since I'm a person of compromise (*laughs loudly and sarcastically*), I'll post a mostly non-rhyming poem for you. :)

Aytch

Would you risk everything just to be hated?

It's a sad road that bears my feet
Trudging through victory tears
If love could not pierce while in the light
You'll not greet me but fear in the night

Some defend image while most give away
To partisan thoughts and tired cliches
I stood up and ran into the distant fire
In the hopes it would not catch me

I am lost
Gone away
Irretrievable unto the last emotion
Stomping on the coals and casting them down
The flames die but ashes stain me forever
For those who see, mock
And those who don't, fear
My targets stand tall
Until the day that I come near
All eyes gaze upon my troubled spirit
But none see the true contents

The burning stopped where I fought
But grew larger there at home
Where is fought a different kind of war
To judgement I'm brought home, fighting as before

The truth is as evasive as ever
Logic does not care for me
Sanity is gone forever
In the wars of civilians we sink

And to those that defend my image
And tell the source of my breakage
Can't you see that I'm the same in yellow
As I was, when I was black? Just go

Both sides of the mirror are infested
Hated in calm,
Hated by others in battle
Never will please
Nor will my actions appease
The greatest and the least
Save yourself, for I am drowned in myth
No speech could lift me up
Separate your name from mine
Take the quickest way out
And you will be just fine
For the hate that falls upon my shoulders
Will not touch you
Will not touch anyone anymore
For it is mine

Would you risk everything just to be hated?
And fight in a never-ending war simply to have peace?

[GenocideAlive]

And um, Genocide, if you want to state your opinion on rhymes, please feel free to do so, in another thread. Got any comment on mine? Or were you leaving? :D

Just kidding. Since I'm a person of compromise (*laughs loudly and sarcastically*), I'll post a mostly non-rhyming poem for you. :)
Actually, I've posted several remarks about your poems. Most notably: THE RHYMING!1! IT BURNSSSSSSSS!11!!
Would you risk everything just to be hated?

It's a sad road that bears my feet
Trudging through victory tears
If love could not pierce while in the light
You'll not greet me but fear in the night
Um, just FYI, "night" and "light" rhyme. A B C C is a rhyme scheme.

Some defend image while most give away
To partisan thoughts and tired cliches
I stood up and ran into the distant fire
In the hopes it would not catch me
And...again. "Away" and "cliche" rhyme. A A B C is a rhyme scheme.

Otherwise, your poem suffers from breaking rule #2: Lofty Terms.

Speak of experience and literal terms. Don't just go on and on in metaphors.

[ShadowGonissa]

I said mostly rhyme-free, not completely. It would help if you read that. And poems without metaphors are usually boring, unless they're good haiku.

Moo. :D

[GenocideAlive]

AAAAAA!!! Are you kidding me? The best poems deal with real-world objects and good adjectives, not any of this angel/demon/light/dark crap! Poems are not solely about communication, they are about enlightenment. If you can't tell the reader something they didn't already know, you're already ice-skating uphill. Yes, I could describe the pain and agony of having a soldier at war, but everybody feels pain and agony, they don't need me to describe it to them. What makes your pain / agony unique is what validates the poem and gives meaning to the reader. We've all written letters, cried, etc. etc.

But during your daily life, when you're suddenly wrenched over to a different world because you're thinking of your bf at war, THAT's what not everybody has experienced. Those images, those thoughts, NOT those feelings. You don't need to tell someone how you're feeling, you need to show them with your words.

Poem:

Perfect boyfriend gone. I sad.

Better Poem:

Boyfriend's chair empty, dustprint of his butt. Still see him drunken yelling about his favorite TV show.

In the first poem, you immediately tell the reader what's going on. There's nothing more to say, because you've already told them everything in a stale summary. You then go on to say you're sad. Yes, yes, you're sad. It's logical that you're sad, he's gone. A five year old could write that (but let's hope not).

In the second poem, that the boyfriend is gone and has been gone for a long time are inferred. The reader doesn't need to be told that he's gone, because they can figure it out for themselves and take that away as whatever they want; you just report the facts, you don't put up queue cards with emotions on them telling readers what to feel. Additionally, in the second sentence, you describe a favorite activity of his that you remember fondly. But again, you don't lend a "feeling" to the activity--how you feel about it or what you think that it means. Each reader will take something else away from it. If you try to tell them what to take away, you will fail, again and again.

Also notice he's not working to help the poor while donating organs--he's a person, complete with flaws (which you appreciate when you love someone). Being in love means that you rarely see those flaws that your loved one has, but everybody on planet Earth knows that nobody is perfect and we don't want to read your horny, sappy worship of your love interest. Hallmark has that market cornered. Characters in poems need depth--things that make them believeable.

So you're left with a choice: you can either learn to write poems that express you and others will like to read, or you can continue to plod along churning out the same sappy crap that makes people roll their eyes when they read the first three stanzas.

[Protosschick99]

Boyfriend's chair empty, dustprint of his butt.

AHAHAHAHAHA!!! Dude that's funny :P

[ShadowGonissa]

Y'know, Genocide, I'd really like to see some of your poetry.

[Protosschick99]

Yes I agree. Btw, when did you become a Poem expert? Poem's are not graded upon your standards GA. It depends on the reader and the actual poem standard itself. (Ya know like the rules and stuff.) But for you to come and criticize one of our best writer's when we've barely seen you even come here, kinda makes me wonder.

I've never even seen you post poetry. Why don't you post some in a thread of your own before you criticize another? I'd really like to see it and I know other's would too :)

[GenocideAlive]

Yes I agree. Btw, when did you become a Poem expert? Poem's are not graded upon your standards GA. It depends on the reader and the actual poem standard itself. (Ya know like the rules and stuff.) But for you to come and criticize one of our best writer's when we've barely seen you even come here, kinda makes me wonder.

I've never even seen you post poetry. Why don't you post some in a thread of your own before you criticize another? I'd really like to see it and I know other's would too :)
Wait, wait, wait. When did these become "my" rules? I have taken a Creative Writing course (Junior level English major class) and these are the rules that are taught. If you would like to take it up with my Creative Writing professor who got two books of poems + short stories published, be my guest. All things considered, I really don't think that you're going to be able to talk much turkey considering he's a professional writer and an SEC college professor, and you work at Taco Bell.

And in regard to seeing my poetry, I've posted it in no less than four threads. If you're too self-absorbed to notice anybody else, it's not my job to try to compete with you and Jesus for attention in your life. It would be like trying to fight with a fat kid over cake.

[Protosschick99]

Well then AWESOME!! You took a course so now you're all 1337 :rolleyes:

Honestly just because someone is educated more than another, does not mean that they are more special than the other. That's something I've learned over the years :)

Yeah I work at Taco Bell--And he's a professor at whatever college. Just because I work there doesn't mean anything. I'm more of a jack-of-all trades but you wouldn't know that because you haven't actually taken a look at my resume ;)

It's kinda funny how ppl make fun of my job when they either A: Have none. B: Have a crappier one than me. C: Have a better job but don't even do what they can to move up.

I'm a hard worker and I will get far because of it. And everyone who made fun of me for working at Taco Bell--Will get moted and feel stupid when they realize that I am contributing to society when I get my awesome job waaaay better than Taco Bell.

Omgosh what am I doing? I've jacked the thread--ANYWAYZ! Back on topic--Like I said--I wanna see poetry from you GA! Poetry! Poetry! And MORE poetry!! And I want it to be about your wife and how lovely she is :D And if I haven't seen it--Oh well--Post it again :D I don't feel like looking through all your posts because you've got too many :p

And how am I self-absorbed if I'm looking at Nissa's thread? Apparently this is ANOTHER PERSON'S thread.

Eh whatever.

[GenocideAlive]

Well then AWESOME!! You took a course so now you're all 1337
Why are you mocking my having taken a Junior level class in Creative Writing? Are you jealous?
Honestly just because someone is educated more than another, does not mean that they are more special than the other. That's something I've learned over the years
I'm sorry, but that's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever read. My college professor is both more educated than you and more qualified to determine what makes a good poem based on his professional experience. If you want to start a separate thread about "what makes someone special" based on some "what you've learned over the years" horseshit, be my guest. Otherwise, please keep your unrelated ramblings to yourself.
Yeah I work at Taco Bell--And he's a professor at whatever college. Just because I work there doesn't mean anything. I'm more of a jack-of-all trades but you wouldn't know that because you haven't actually taken a look at my resume
I don't know what the hell you're talking about here, as though not working as a Creative Writing professor at an SEC college or professional writer somehow validates your completely baseless crybaby campaign. I don't know what you're claiming is on your super-secret resume, but I'm willing to be that it has nothing to do with teaching Creative Writing or doing it professionally. And since we're comparing relative capability to either make or enforce the general rules of creative writing, Taco Bell AND "jack-of-all trades" don't count. Of course, I can see why you want to make this thread all about you, because otherwise it'll get back on topic, which is basically how you jumped up to "save" Nissa by running your big fucking mouth. Now you're staring down the other end of reality, which is that your ass can't cash the check your mouth is writing.
It's kinda funny how ppl make fun of my job when they either A: OFF TOPIC BULLSHIT Omgosh what am I doing? I've jacked the thread--ANYWAYZ! And how am I self-absorbed if I'm looking at Nissa's thread? Apparently this is ANOTHER PERSON'S thread.
Because you jack it talking about yourself, your job, and your life's experiences?

[Protosschick99]

You think I'm jealous?? AHAHAHA--That's funny. Honestly GA--I don't wanna fight with you, that's the last thing on my mind. Love ya buddy! :D

Btw Nissa, more poetry chick! :D

[ShadowGonissa]

Genocide, PC, chill. You're both off-topic, so be good. Grrr! ;)

Grey Girl

little and grey
I could blend in with a grey wall
And the wind would hide my voice
While my tears covered my eyes
That I could scarcely look out of them
And none can see within
Two blue upon the grey
A shining light through the tears
A little girl that disappears
She has not the eyes but sees
From the stone brink to the waving seas
Never heard, never seen, never felt
In the town that I dwelt
No more here on the cracking sidewalks
No more here than the ghost tower
The wind blows through undisturbed
Hollow bones pure in the light
Strong and lasting, on a hill
Where the street passes by
They begin to ignore it
But it will not ignore them
The wind is louder than my voice
And the cement greyer than my hair
Surprised they would be to find
That I was ever there
And I was.
And He is the wind.

This next poem is based on some perfume I used to have, and a bookmark that I can't find. Try and guess what it's about.

Gentle Blue Sea

The cool night air breezes
Around, at times so melancholy
But upon the cold stones sweeps the waves
Of glowing gentle blue sea
That are drifting across the shore to gaze
Welcoming the lonely heart
Covering the rocks; they will tear her apart
The moon lifts not his head to shine
Above the chilling serenity
Worthless thoughts of summer days, in flower fields
Washed in bubbles blown around
The yellows and greens abundant in sundresses
Beauty, youth interrupted by a sound
A sound of water calling her name
The sound of lies playing their game
If only the night wasn't cold, the liquid warm
Then the walker's gaze wouldn't be stolen
Then our last friend wouldn't try to conform
Yet not forever shall this temptation last
That stole so many in the past
As she sits upon this rock
The steady rock before the edge,
As long as morning comes in due time
Fear can't make her change her mind

[xodkrm]

Anything can be poetry.
Heck, here's an example of poetry:

poetry.

Poetry is so general and broad it's a pain to discuss, IMO.

EDIT:
Blues Clues
I see a man walking down the street
I wonder if he has some cash
So I can buy my self some clues.

Oh- and this ain't your everyday clue-
This is Blue's Clues.

[ShadowGonissa]

*laugh* I'm more picky about poetry than that, bo. :D