The Blues

[Frattimonde]

(Just a little quickie, thought of writing something else than my other typical poetic work. Though I'm afraid that I am not so good at lyrics. EDIT://Changed a bit.)

The Blues

Oh boy, you got it wrong
The blues, oh the blues ain't about money
Yet you're standing there on the stage
Consumed by your greed
Shining with ego, you're smiling
But unknowing of your fall, until you've had it all

You'll wake up one day
And see that your woman is gone
She has left you boy, tired of your ways
Tears start to flow
What have you become?

But you haven't given it a thought
You're just too prideful overall
You can only think of the money and fame
It occupies your mind
It blinds your eyes for the real world
The truth of it, is that you've sold your soul

And on that one day, you'll see it
On that one day, you'll have lost it
Your sanity, along with your mind
Flushed down the drain
It's a losing game you've played

So do yourself a favor
Forget about the money and fame
Start playing with your heart
And win your sweet baby back

You've learned the hard way
You now know what blues is really about
So keep playing with your soul
Never turn back again, to the hell you've been in

[ShadowGonissa]

Well, it has a good message, but that's all it is. No symbolism, no beauty, no high and difficult to interpret imagery...not poetic at all. And exactly what right does the speaker have to criticize the musician? Does he have a blues past as well?

The thing that annoys me the most about this is that it doesn't have rhyme or meter. Poems don't have to have both, but you need at least one of them, or else you're just talking in stanzas.

[Frattimonde]

I see. Meh just an experiment, now I know.

[GenocideAlive]

Woo hoo! Someone wrote some serious poetry! Excellent!

Its message is a little convoluted and murky, but it's a real poem.

My suggestions would be to remove the word "all" from the poem, and go with that. By the way, saying "tears flowing" is an unforgiveable cliche.

Avoid words that are generalizations that convey ideas without emotion or attachment (sin, vanity, greed, humanity, sanity, pride, etc). They bog down your poem with unspecific marginal feelings.

[Frattimonde]

Reconsidered, but I decided to keep prideful. I just like that word, somehow. So now it's changed.