Just Can't Keep Away

[CrazyTom]

She hides in the dark
No more waiting for me
She slips into shadows alone

Her eyes; so stark
Glow with mystery
As I turn to look; she’s gone

Skin so soft
She’s beautiful
I hide away
But she’s unmistakable.

And I twist and I turn
And my grief starts to burn

I can’t keep away
I just can’t let her go
She preys on my mind
A sweet death so slow
Every word that she says
Turns my stomach to lead
Even bitterness cannot grow

As I stare into her eyes
I know that I’m lost
Slipping away unknown

Sick of the lies
And still counting the cost
Of the seeds of despair that I’ve sown

I try to call out
The words stick in my throat
Wanting to sing
But can’t utter a note

On the brink of despair
The edge of the abyss

I can’t keep away
I just can’t let her go
She preys on my mind
A sweet death so slow
Every word that she says
Turns my stomach to lead
Even bitterness cannot grow

When I first saw her eyes
Her face
And her lips
It was my own private apocalypse

I can’t keep away
I just can’t let her go
She preys on my mind
A sweet death so slow
Every word that she says
Turns my stomach to lead
Even bitterness cannot grow

[xodkrm]

She's a succubus.
Get away, quick.

[Frattimonde]

A bit more of my liking.. ^^ We likes, yes...*mysterious whispers*

[GenocideAlive]

No rhyming. Please, no rhyming.

[CrazyTom]

I was depressed. It's a perfectly reasonable excuse. :P

[Vhaeraun]

Sounds like some of the stuff I write whilst depressed ;p

I liked it. Really deep.

[ShadowGonissa]

"even the bitterness cannot grow" - this line bothers me, simply due to the fact that your diction in this poem is fairly informal, and the "cannot" just seems a little too...I guess pretentious is the word. I'd use "can't" because it seems like more of a struggling word, a word with more passion. Or maybe that's just me.

Hm, the plot behind the poem is good; it has lots of mystery, and lots of pathos. You know some, but not too much, of what is happening to the character. It's clear you have talent.

But overall, I really wasn't impressed, mostly due to the fact that if you stay on a forums, there's probably going to be a deluge of depressing poetry on it. Don't be offended, I'm just saying that you have a lot of competition in this matter. And compared to the others, yours here is certainly better than most. And I really did like one paragraph.

"When I first saw her eyes
Her face
And her lips
It was my own private apocalypse"

THAT was great. So symbolic, and very well written. It creates sympathy for the speaker. Great job there. 8.5/10

[GenocideAlive]

Gonissa is very generous.