ShawnManX
05-19-2004, 4:14 AM
Havn't seen yet, though, here's my English teacher's aide's take on it.
You know, it’s about time a movie like this came out; a movie all about war heroes
kicking arse, and nary a cappuccino drinking-beret wearing-movement joining hippie to
be found. To sum it up in a few words: never have so many asses been kicked in so
short a time span. Well, except maybe The Running Man, but that’s a different story that I
may deal with one day.
Here’s the gist of the tale: Helen (HOT) has fallen for Paris (DORK) and left her husband
Menelaus (that huge redheaded chap from Braveheart: best friend to William Wallace)
who is the king of the Spartans. Menelaus wants her back (guys, you’ll understand why
when you see her) and so he goes to the King of united Greece: Agamemnon (mouthful),
who is also his brother and says “Listen brah, that hussy of a wife left me and now I want
to get her back so I can snap her neck like a chicken’s. Help a brother out?” Of course,
Agamemnon (hungry for power) agrees, and so he launches a thousand ships each
manned by 50-ish soldiers to go to Troy and get her back. To do this he needs the
greatest warrior (with the best hair) who ever lived: Achilles, who was also the namesake
of a classic Led Zeppelin song, Achilles’ Last Stand, which rocked equally hard.
Now, here’s the problem. Paris, who started all this crap, is a wimp. Big time. He’s the
kind of guy who uses nail clippers instead of biting the bloody nail off and then files them
back into shape. You get the idea. So, they get back to Troy and Paris introduces Helen
to his father, the king, who has worse teeth than a British Tyrannosaurus Rex. The King
knows that the Greeks will be coming for her, so what does he do? He orders his other
son, Hector, to lead his army and turn back the invasion. And thus begins the greatest
war story ever told.
I’m not going to go through the whole movie here, but I’ll just touch on a few points,
some sore, some not.
ORLANDO BLOOM AS PARIS: Initially I was upset at this choice of an actor. I don’t like
the guy and I think that on a scale of 1-10 he rates about a 2.0 as an actor. On the Adam
Scale of Acting Ability that would put him right on par with Kevin Costner: horrible (more
on that in a bit). As the film progressed, however, I found myself seeing why they chose
him: Paris is a wimp, too. Therefore he fit the role pretty well.
Now, I don’t know Orlando Bloom (what the hell kind of name is that anyway? Were his
parents playing madlibs in the delivery room? The kid could have come out
named “Cincinnati Flower” just as easily, and then he would have been beaten up EXTRA
hard at lunch hour), and I don’t want to, but the guy is a horrible actor. I mean he is
awful! Every scene he speaks in he looks like he’s got cotton balls under the sides of his
tongue and whenever he does these lovey-dovey scenes with Helen he looks like he ate
too much cheese and got a plug in the plumbing, if you follow me. And what the hell is
with the eyebrows? It’s like someone is poking him with a pin just above the eye
whenever he looks at a woman. Is he really McCauley Culkin back for another go with
the eyebrow trick? It was cute in Home Alone, and passable in Home Alone 2, but if he
did it now he’d get slapped. Hard. And therefore, by the logic of the patented Lakusta
Equation™, Orlando Bloom needs to be slapped in the mouth.
This guy needs a lesson in how to be a manly man for the sake of his career and the
cover of Teen Beat magazine. You know what? Brad Pitt should call up Hugh Jackman
(who rocks to the nth degree) and take the kid out for a lapdance or two and force him to
smoke a Cuban cigar or four. Then they could walk down the street with sunglasses on
and have Quentin Tarantino follow them with a Boom Box blaring The Best of Creedence
Clearwater Revival and Bloom would be a MAN for goodness sake. But that’s just a
thought I wanted to throw out on the table.
BRAD PITTS NAKEDNESS: Before you ladies have severe coronary failures I should
clarify: you don’t get to see any privates, but it’s about time someone drew the line of
this guy. I don’t think he’s worn pants since Fight Club in ’99, and while that’s perfectly
acceptable in one’s own home, it just won’t do for the battlefields of Ancient Greece. As
they are fond of saying in the Bible, he needs to “gird himself with loincloth.” Don’t get
me wrong, I’d kill (Orlando Bloom?) to be in the shape he is but the guy needs to cover
up once in awhile so that he can be considered a serious actor and not be liked for being
a heartthrob. And I know these things: I have to live them every single day (yeah right).
Oh well. Serves him right for stealing my woman.
ACHILLES’ COUSIN: If there was ever a guy who needed the back of my hand it’s this
schmuck. I think that he’s really a mutant. I think that he was born without the gene that
says to the face: “Grow a chin and don’t look like a woman.” If that’s the case maybe I
shouldn’t make fun of the guy. It’s a disability of sorts, right?
ON ODYSSEUS’ AWESOMENESS: Odysseus, king of Ithaca, is easily the coolest Greek.
For one thing, Sean Bean, who also played Boromir in The Lord of the Rings Trilogy,
plays him and as we all saw with our own eyes, he brought down the house (that’s a good
thing, for those not in the know). Odysseus is the only king in the movie who has his
head screwed on straight. His men charge into battle and whomp some buttocks while he
just walks through the carnage in his sweet black armour, slapping people who displease
him. And even when they’re not in battle he’s usually sitting around drinking or telling the
other kings off for being morons. And even Hector pays him the respect he deserves in
the middle of a hundred thousand sweaty men beating the seven shades of crap out of
each other. Hector is like “I know how awesome you are, so I’ll take my men back to the
city and you retreat, too, because we dim each other’s manliness.” Naturally, as wicked a
guy as Odysseus knows his equal, and so they decide to retire for some Molson
Canadian, or whatever the Greek equivalent was at the time.
It was also Odysseus who came up with the idea for the Trojan Horse and won the war. I
don’t know what they would have done without this guy, and I think that all of the other
kings owe him some fruit baskets; no, muffin baskets; NO, A BASKET FULL OF DENIRO
DVDS. Yeah, Odysseus would dig that. See, if I was writing this story it would have
turned out even cooler.
HECTOR: This guy… *deep breath* This guy is a beast. He is seriously the best character
in this movie, and he’s played by the Incredible Hulk himself: Eric Bana. Now, Bana is a
guy who doesn’t do romantic comedies, and he wouldn’t wipe his behind with the contract
offer for a Buddy comedy. He doesn’t even read the contracts he is offered. His agent
just calls him up with an offer and he says: “Listen, level with me. Does this character
kick ass? No? Then I’m not interested.”
His dad, the king of Troy, basically just tells him: “Go and kick ass. Now.” And he goes
forth, and he ruleth.
This guy has it all: Cool armour, the command of a fearsome army, a hot wife, and he is
indescribably fierce in battle. Remember that movie Die Hard? How Bruce Willis was a
one-man army? Yeah, same thing here. Hector just walks along, probably thinking about
something manly like playing nine-ball or hunting escaped mental patients with a bow and
arrow, and slays Greek heroes left right and centre. The only thing that could have made
him any cooler would have been if we went down to hang out with Odysseus and they
cranked Rammstein’s “Du Hast” through 500 watt speakers while playing Texas Hold’em
poker with a deck of cards with pictures of Playboy bunnies on them. That would have
been out of sight.
ROMANCE: Now, I’m not much one for romantic subplots, though when they’re done well
I like them (awwww). But ladies, take Adam’s advice: don’t go see it for the romance. Go
and see it for the splendour, the majesty, the Brad Pitt. The romance is tacky and has no
place in the story. At least not for Achilles. You’ll get to the end and think “What? Are you
serious? They tried to pull THAT over my eyes?” So don’t get all caught up in the
Harlequin Romance aspect of it: it’s hollow. Concentrate on the better things in the movie.
And that draws my review to a close. To sum up:
Brad Pitt- needs pants.
Orlando Bloom- murdered. By me.
Hector and Odysseus- need their own spin off reality show.
Romance- insulting.
That is all. Now go see this movie! 4 stars!
You know, it’s about time a movie like this came out; a movie all about war heroes
kicking arse, and nary a cappuccino drinking-beret wearing-movement joining hippie to
be found. To sum it up in a few words: never have so many asses been kicked in so
short a time span. Well, except maybe The Running Man, but that’s a different story that I
may deal with one day.
Here’s the gist of the tale: Helen (HOT) has fallen for Paris (DORK) and left her husband
Menelaus (that huge redheaded chap from Braveheart: best friend to William Wallace)
who is the king of the Spartans. Menelaus wants her back (guys, you’ll understand why
when you see her) and so he goes to the King of united Greece: Agamemnon (mouthful),
who is also his brother and says “Listen brah, that hussy of a wife left me and now I want
to get her back so I can snap her neck like a chicken’s. Help a brother out?” Of course,
Agamemnon (hungry for power) agrees, and so he launches a thousand ships each
manned by 50-ish soldiers to go to Troy and get her back. To do this he needs the
greatest warrior (with the best hair) who ever lived: Achilles, who was also the namesake
of a classic Led Zeppelin song, Achilles’ Last Stand, which rocked equally hard.
Now, here’s the problem. Paris, who started all this crap, is a wimp. Big time. He’s the
kind of guy who uses nail clippers instead of biting the bloody nail off and then files them
back into shape. You get the idea. So, they get back to Troy and Paris introduces Helen
to his father, the king, who has worse teeth than a British Tyrannosaurus Rex. The King
knows that the Greeks will be coming for her, so what does he do? He orders his other
son, Hector, to lead his army and turn back the invasion. And thus begins the greatest
war story ever told.
I’m not going to go through the whole movie here, but I’ll just touch on a few points,
some sore, some not.
ORLANDO BLOOM AS PARIS: Initially I was upset at this choice of an actor. I don’t like
the guy and I think that on a scale of 1-10 he rates about a 2.0 as an actor. On the Adam
Scale of Acting Ability that would put him right on par with Kevin Costner: horrible (more
on that in a bit). As the film progressed, however, I found myself seeing why they chose
him: Paris is a wimp, too. Therefore he fit the role pretty well.
Now, I don’t know Orlando Bloom (what the hell kind of name is that anyway? Were his
parents playing madlibs in the delivery room? The kid could have come out
named “Cincinnati Flower” just as easily, and then he would have been beaten up EXTRA
hard at lunch hour), and I don’t want to, but the guy is a horrible actor. I mean he is
awful! Every scene he speaks in he looks like he’s got cotton balls under the sides of his
tongue and whenever he does these lovey-dovey scenes with Helen he looks like he ate
too much cheese and got a plug in the plumbing, if you follow me. And what the hell is
with the eyebrows? It’s like someone is poking him with a pin just above the eye
whenever he looks at a woman. Is he really McCauley Culkin back for another go with
the eyebrow trick? It was cute in Home Alone, and passable in Home Alone 2, but if he
did it now he’d get slapped. Hard. And therefore, by the logic of the patented Lakusta
Equation™, Orlando Bloom needs to be slapped in the mouth.
This guy needs a lesson in how to be a manly man for the sake of his career and the
cover of Teen Beat magazine. You know what? Brad Pitt should call up Hugh Jackman
(who rocks to the nth degree) and take the kid out for a lapdance or two and force him to
smoke a Cuban cigar or four. Then they could walk down the street with sunglasses on
and have Quentin Tarantino follow them with a Boom Box blaring The Best of Creedence
Clearwater Revival and Bloom would be a MAN for goodness sake. But that’s just a
thought I wanted to throw out on the table.
BRAD PITTS NAKEDNESS: Before you ladies have severe coronary failures I should
clarify: you don’t get to see any privates, but it’s about time someone drew the line of
this guy. I don’t think he’s worn pants since Fight Club in ’99, and while that’s perfectly
acceptable in one’s own home, it just won’t do for the battlefields of Ancient Greece. As
they are fond of saying in the Bible, he needs to “gird himself with loincloth.” Don’t get
me wrong, I’d kill (Orlando Bloom?) to be in the shape he is but the guy needs to cover
up once in awhile so that he can be considered a serious actor and not be liked for being
a heartthrob. And I know these things: I have to live them every single day (yeah right).
Oh well. Serves him right for stealing my woman.
ACHILLES’ COUSIN: If there was ever a guy who needed the back of my hand it’s this
schmuck. I think that he’s really a mutant. I think that he was born without the gene that
says to the face: “Grow a chin and don’t look like a woman.” If that’s the case maybe I
shouldn’t make fun of the guy. It’s a disability of sorts, right?
ON ODYSSEUS’ AWESOMENESS: Odysseus, king of Ithaca, is easily the coolest Greek.
For one thing, Sean Bean, who also played Boromir in The Lord of the Rings Trilogy,
plays him and as we all saw with our own eyes, he brought down the house (that’s a good
thing, for those not in the know). Odysseus is the only king in the movie who has his
head screwed on straight. His men charge into battle and whomp some buttocks while he
just walks through the carnage in his sweet black armour, slapping people who displease
him. And even when they’re not in battle he’s usually sitting around drinking or telling the
other kings off for being morons. And even Hector pays him the respect he deserves in
the middle of a hundred thousand sweaty men beating the seven shades of crap out of
each other. Hector is like “I know how awesome you are, so I’ll take my men back to the
city and you retreat, too, because we dim each other’s manliness.” Naturally, as wicked a
guy as Odysseus knows his equal, and so they decide to retire for some Molson
Canadian, or whatever the Greek equivalent was at the time.
It was also Odysseus who came up with the idea for the Trojan Horse and won the war. I
don’t know what they would have done without this guy, and I think that all of the other
kings owe him some fruit baskets; no, muffin baskets; NO, A BASKET FULL OF DENIRO
DVDS. Yeah, Odysseus would dig that. See, if I was writing this story it would have
turned out even cooler.
HECTOR: This guy… *deep breath* This guy is a beast. He is seriously the best character
in this movie, and he’s played by the Incredible Hulk himself: Eric Bana. Now, Bana is a
guy who doesn’t do romantic comedies, and he wouldn’t wipe his behind with the contract
offer for a Buddy comedy. He doesn’t even read the contracts he is offered. His agent
just calls him up with an offer and he says: “Listen, level with me. Does this character
kick ass? No? Then I’m not interested.”
His dad, the king of Troy, basically just tells him: “Go and kick ass. Now.” And he goes
forth, and he ruleth.
This guy has it all: Cool armour, the command of a fearsome army, a hot wife, and he is
indescribably fierce in battle. Remember that movie Die Hard? How Bruce Willis was a
one-man army? Yeah, same thing here. Hector just walks along, probably thinking about
something manly like playing nine-ball or hunting escaped mental patients with a bow and
arrow, and slays Greek heroes left right and centre. The only thing that could have made
him any cooler would have been if we went down to hang out with Odysseus and they
cranked Rammstein’s “Du Hast” through 500 watt speakers while playing Texas Hold’em
poker with a deck of cards with pictures of Playboy bunnies on them. That would have
been out of sight.
ROMANCE: Now, I’m not much one for romantic subplots, though when they’re done well
I like them (awwww). But ladies, take Adam’s advice: don’t go see it for the romance. Go
and see it for the splendour, the majesty, the Brad Pitt. The romance is tacky and has no
place in the story. At least not for Achilles. You’ll get to the end and think “What? Are you
serious? They tried to pull THAT over my eyes?” So don’t get all caught up in the
Harlequin Romance aspect of it: it’s hollow. Concentrate on the better things in the movie.
And that draws my review to a close. To sum up:
Brad Pitt- needs pants.
Orlando Bloom- murdered. By me.
Hector and Odysseus- need their own spin off reality show.
Romance- insulting.
That is all. Now go see this movie! 4 stars!