"I Suck" a Weird Poem

[Protosschick99]

I suck.

I should have listened but I didn't.

And now I have hurt the one that I love.

It never should have gotten that far but it did.

I should have listened!!

I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!!

I suck.

What I did was cruel and I will hate myself for it.

I didn't lead him on....No I didn't. I loved him...

But I already knew it wouldn't work!!

And he supported me in my decision to end it all.

He was the better person that night.

I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!!

I suck.

I cried the whole way home, weeping, bawling out tears.

Because I did not want to end it.

But I had to because it would not work...

We both are on different paths!

But I suck for knowing and never saying anything!

I've known before we were even together!

I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!!

I suck.

I love him, and because I love him so--I have to let him go.

[B.A.Baracus]

Aw, thats sad(Im asuming it was about a boyfriend). Nice poem though:)

[Sikawtic]

I love him, and because I love him so--I have to let him go.^-- This stuff sucks... I can sympathize.

[Markpyro]

Ouch PC. Some things just dont work out, and it's painful for a while, but you may sometime realize that it was for the better and the pain will subside.
There are so many things that I look back on now and call myself an idiot for doing, but they're generally inevitable. Hopefully you'll learn something from the experiance, and when you finally come upon a similar situation you'll know not to repeat past mistakes.

[ScottieIWU]

Parallel structures in writing very often work greatly to a piece's coherence and overall depth. However, I'm sad to say that this is not one of those times. The parallel structure and the use of "I suck" gets overly repetitive in just three stanzas total.

Perhaps, to me, the greatest weakness with the repetition is not that it is being repeated but what is being repeated. The phrase "I suck" is a colloquialism that seems kind of inappropriate for expressing the amount of anger and frustration with yourself that you seem to be trying to express. It's a very banal way of expressing something that has so much more depth of feeling behind it.

The other major weakness of the poem kind of relates to that, in that (to use a rather lame metaphor) this poem is acting like a gate through which only a little bit of the passion toward the subject of this piece can get through. Rather, it's best to just get rid of any stopper to the emotion and let it run wild. Hopefully by doing that you can get past the very temperate description of a set of emotions that should generate a piece overflowing with emotions and self-hatred.

Also, your descriptions remind me of an episode of Futurama in which Fry gets the Robot Devil's hands and writes a Holophoner opera. The Robot Devil interrupts the performance and says " This opera is awful! You can't just have people say what they feel! That makes me angry!"

Basically, what he said. Your piece has too much "I felt..." "This made me feel..." "I didn't want..." Poems are generally a means of conveying something through figurative language and this poem is strictly literal. Perhaps by delving deeper into figurative language you can get a bit more of the emotion I pointed out that I'd like to see previously. Plus, it gets us away from the region of "literal, cliche love" into the realm of "original, true-to-emotions" love.

Just a few pieces of criticism.

[Protosschick99]

I called it a poem because I didn't know what else to call it. I didn't use any type or form or whatever--I just made it up on the spot because I was so blinded by my tears that I couldn't think of what sort of retarded stanza or whatever to use.

My mind is in a jumble right now so whatever you say really doesn't matter to me right now. Please don't criticize me at this time in my life--Please. Please I ask of you.....

And for those that guessed yes--This is a true story. And I do not want to go into the details. And this is what happened yesterday on my Easter Evening.

[ScottieIWU]

Fair enough, but you probably should have labelled it as a pity post and warned everybody not to look at your work with a critical eye.

Really, though, if you're not going to accept criticism and you just wrote this in a flash, isn't it more suited to myspace than the creative concepts section?

[BSTRhino]

Awwwh... Protosschick99... *hugs*

I'm so sorry. Anyway, it wasn't all a loss was it? And in the end, you're just that much closer to ending up with the guy who you're meant to be with. That's exciting, isn't it?

[King_Critter]

Easter? really? Cuz my sister got dumped by her boyfreind on easter... Not exactly something the easter bunny's supposed to bring, if y'know what I mean.... :cry:

[ShadowGonissa]

I called it a poem because I didn't know what else to call it. I didn't use any type or form or whatever--I just made it up on the spot because I was so blinded by my tears that I couldn't think of what sort of retarded stanza or whatever to use.

My mind is in a jumble right now so whatever you say really doesn't matter to me right now. Please don't criticize me at this time in my life--Please. Please I ask of you.....

And for those that guessed yes--This is a true story. And I do not want to go into the details. And this is what happened yesterday on my Easter Evening.

What? What happened?

Crap....

I'll call you tonight, bo.

[Protosschick99]

Yes please call me.....I would appreciate it :D

[GenocideAlive]

Wow, good job, Scottie. I'll have to thumbs-up that analysis all the way. Inasmuch as that goes, I can actually give you some suggestion to elaborate on some of his advice.

You put far too much thought into your poem (contradictory to what you think). You formed sentences, you had a little story, etc. etc. Write down your feelings without explanations or holding the reader's hand or treating them like they need to have a "Once upon a time..." and "...happily ever after" type continuality. Your self-effacement comes across as staged and forced. Just get your feelings out there, and be honest with them.

"I suck" and "darnit I'm sad" really aren't things that speak from your heart. But then again given how little time you've spent getting to know this person and your poem's content, more powerful adjectives would probably seem a little overwrought.

[Aya]

In respect for your femaleness, and in fear of being vicerated by Gonny, I won't make the obvious sexual reference/joke. :P

And you don't suck, because you're a Protoss chick! :D