The Joke Thread

[Darkeggy]

Ok guys, I think we need a joke thread. I don't know why, but heres a joke:
:banana: :banana:
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
:worship: :devil:

[Lucifer_Hawk]

BWAHAHAHAHAHA hilarious..... but you know what, no.... BTW: banana dance :banana: :banana:

[CaRBomBnCowBoy]

hahaha.... that was pretty good. :devil:

[OboeGuru]

Okay, time for a non-non-joke post.

This was posted at Fenguin:

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Teacher On The First Day Of School

10. "Your grade will be determined by how well you wash my car"
9. "Parent-teacher conferences at 3:00pm; if your mom's hot, it's dinner and drinks"
8. "If my methods seem unconventional, it's because I forged my teaching credentials at Kinko's"
7. "I'm not good with names, so I'm going to call all of you 'Skippy'"
6. "Is it just me, or is chalk delicious?"
5. "Study, don't study -- honestly, I only care about tonight's Lotto numbers"
4. "I'm just a substitute -- your teacher is being detained at Camp X-Ray"
3. "Screw math -- just cheat off the exchange student"
2. "Hey everybody! Looks like we got a bed-wetter!"
1. "I was George W. Bush's English teacher"

[wraizyr]

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb

1 to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

.. another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

6 that flame them for not using the Search feature

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

16 posts of two forum members that are exclusively talking to each other only about lightbulbs and what they did that weekend

24 posts of telling them to take it to PM's

1 moderator that comes in and says something about doing it wrong and that everyone who disagrees gets a warning

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

[Staind]

Beautiful. Brought a tear to my eye laughing.

[SoulreaverELITE]

i am so one of the 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

[OboeGuru]

In my perfect world, I'm that Moderator. :D

[OboeGuru]

Oboe/Double Reed jokes!!! I think this warrants a double post, I'm insulting myself. :p

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.

What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.

What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.

What is the definition of a major second?
Two baroque oboes playing in unison.

How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.

Percussionist Jokes

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
3. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
4. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
5. None. They have a machine to do that.

Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes." Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way.
Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile.
"You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment."
"But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?"
"No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared.
Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.
"Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?"
Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13."

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."

[henrywonderchimp]

har har har... those drummer jokes aren't very funny -_-

[mcflurry_1982]

Texas Holdem is a form of poker game to which you are dealt with two cards, and then play a round of betting. After the round of betting is over, three cards get placed onto the table turned faced up and can be played in conjunction to the two cards in your hand. A second round of betting (if applicable) is then played thereafter. Once the betting is over a 4th card is turned faced up and is also played in conjunction to the two cards in your hand. Another round of betting occurs afterwards and a fith and final card is played faced turned up and can be used in conjunction to the cards in your hand. A fimal round of betting is played and then the showdown between the people who believe that they have the best hand commences. The winner of the hand takes the chips in the pot, of course.
thats what Texas Holdem actually is, but here is what i said it was:
I though Texas Holdem was just a drinking game. where in a bar you go up to a chick grab her tatas and yell "texas holdem" and if she could slap you before you could get away you had to down a beer.

[d00d]

Never under estimate the little old Lady.....


A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one
day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent
the whole night looking at his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.

He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's
office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls
are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could
feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

---------

Bear Alert

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising
hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions
and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge,
and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little
bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears
unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an
encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs
of bear activity.

People should be able to recognize the difference between black
bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly
squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.

--------

One Sunday afternoon the Pope is working on a crossword
puzzle. He stops for a moment or two, scratches his forehead,
then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think of a four-letter word
for 'woman' than ends in 'u-n-t'?"
"Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
"Thanks," says the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

[Demon_Child]

I am expecting greg_the_bunny to start telling his jokes sometime in the future.

Speaking of which, I have officially found out what the I.R.S.'s motto is.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

:D