Writing Fan Fic...NEED AID!!!

[B1x]

I'm writing (or rewriting) a fan fic i posted on SC.org some time ago called To The Ends Of Aiur
http://www.starcraft.org/fanfiction/shortstories/-%3D+To+The+End+Of+Auir+%3D-+Part+1

It was REALLY BAD. So i'm Re-writing it with more Detail.
I added (for those who read the origanal) a part Where the MC meets mengsk and they're attacked by Zerg. I dont really think the part where the Zerg attack is that well written. Please Read Both The Origanal and The Redo. Give me some input as well on what should be changed. Keep in mind that the Redo isn't finished either.


The Assault Dropship Glistened in the sunlight as it touched the landing pad on the Terran Starport.The pilot activated the depressurization. A hiss that could madden an Ultralisk echoed throughout the Cargo hold.BLAM! A dephening Sonic like boom was heard as the Hatch dropped.
A young Newly reformed Ghost stepped casually out of the Transport, Gripping his C-14 "Impaler" Rifle firmly.
Auir.
The Greatest, and most beautiful, Of all planets he had researched.
Bright Blue Covered the entire sky. No cloud in site.
Green seemed to overtake everything, even the surrounding buildings were covered from top to bottom in long web like vines. To the right of the Starport A large rounded lake stood guarded by an immensely steep and rocky bank, The water being slowly drained by the Zerg now overtaking 1/4 of the planet's surface. Surrounding the outpost was a Large Dense Forest with trees up to 100 feet in height, and just beyond that was a range of Titanic Mountains.
The outpost in itself was small. consisting of only a couple of Barracks' A Vehicle Factory, A Starport, a few Depots, and a Command Center.
Aw, Bix thought, Not even a Silo.
Bix stepped off the ramp and headed towards the officer standing by the Landing Pad door. He was Guarded by 2 Large Marines/
Hello,Bix Thought, Lt.Dallows is it?
"Hello!" said the officer "Lt.Dallows is it?"
"Yeah" Bix Replied.
"Good! Follow me."
Bix trailed Behind the officer and the Two lumbering Power Suits.
The officer led him passed the Command Center, and down a Long narrow path hidden my the thick forest. The path winded and turned throughout the Trees until finally He reached a Small clearing. In the middle of it stood a Bunker, Dwarfed in size by the Trees. T-180 Space Construction Vehicles Tore happily at the base of their Long and elegant Trunks. Bix was saddened by this. Near the right side of the clearing was a Large group of minerals. Behind them stood a Large Geyser already contained by a Refinery. Another SCV was working Feverously constructing a Command Center
Bix was led into the Bunker.
This bunker was like nothing he’d ever seen. It was very elegant for a makeshift command post. It was obvious this was no ordinary commander. There was carpeting. And a desk in the middle. All the Cots had been removed and replaced with file cabinets. There was even Wallpaper. The only thing that remained from the original bunker were the 6, 7.62 mm GAU-90 Gatling guns posted out the Defense Windows.
“ah,” the figure said as it spun the chair around.
MENGSK!, Bix thought, why couldn’t I read him?
“Nice to see a new Ghost around here.” Mengsk said.
He was wearing an Cobalt Blue Anti-Entrance helmet to protect against Telepathy.
“Only for you it seems.” Bix replied. He had, in fact, sensed a lot of hatred while walking through the outer base. Even from the Officer escorting him.
“Yes.” Arcturus said as he stood up and walked towards the nearest Def Window.
Mengsk stared out of the window for a while.
“Sir?” Bix asked
“hmm, Oh yes. Bix, you’re here to investigate a small Protoss tribe just south of this outpost.”
“For what reasons ,Sir?” Bix replied.
“It is believed the Protoss have been conducting Experiments.” The General Started pacing.
“What do you mean?”
“Hybrids,” Arcturus continued “Created by inter-splicing the DNA of two different -.”
“I know what A hybrid is.” Bix interrupted
“Of course you do.”
BLAM, A Marine bust through the door.
“SIR!” He Yelled in exasperation. “it’s the Zerg!”
Just then his Eyes went wide. The marine fell over, A spine lodged into his back.
Mengsk flipped over the desk and pulled a .45 Luger out of his back pocket.
4 Light Infantry marines ran into the bunker, each grabbing one of the gating guns.
All this happened so fast Bix was nauseated.
Mengsk gestured him to come behind the desk.
“This desk is made of Hyper titanium. it’s the same stuff they use on the Protoss carriers. I think we’re safe here.” Mengsk Proclaimed
Just then a Spine Plunged through the corner of the desk, nearly missing Bix’s head.
“SHIT!” Bix Yelled, Startled.
RA-TATATATATATATTATA. The Guns Flashed like a Strobe light.
Bix flipped his C-14 over the top of the desk and fired off a couple of rounds.
“Sir, we cant stay here!” one of the Marines manning the Gatling gun yelled.
“Right,” Mengsk answered.
He picked up a Gauss Rifle leaning against one of the file cabinets.
“Move Out!” he yelled.
The marines ditched their posts and un holstered their Rifles.
Bix could hear the SCVs out side Exploding in a fury of Fire and Metal.
Bix was the first outside of the Bunker.

Please obstain from Severe Blaming.
-B1x (SCGhost)

[ShadowGonissa]

Heck, I'll give it a try.

"The Assault Dropship Glistened in the sunlight as it touched the landing pad on the Terran Starport.The pilot activated the depressurization. A hiss that could madden an Ultralisk echoed throughout the Cargo hold.BLAM! A dephening Sonic like boom was heard as the Hatch dropped.
A young Newly reformed Ghost stepped casually out of the Transport, Gripping his C-14 "Impaler" Rifle firmly.
Auir.
The Greatest, and most beautiful, Of all planets he had researched.
Bright Blue Covered the entire sky. No cloud in site."

my attempt-

It was beautiful, to say the least. Of all the planets First Lieutenant Allen Bix had ever researched, this one was the most idealistically pristine. The sky was vast, blue and cloudless. The sun was beginning to hide behind large, snow-topped peaks far to the west, allowing the soldier to view most of the area without troublesome glare.

As lovely as the sky was, the land below them was even more perfect. A glistening river rushed through the brilliantly green jungle, and if Bix strained his eyes just right, he could see the golden fish leaping upriver.

"It must be spring." he murmured.

But even as he was enjoying the pleasant view, it abruptly changed. Hidden in the tallest of the trees, yet still partially visible, was the terran base Bix would arrive at. He frowned at the sight of the dull grey buildings and far from eloquent war machinery. Worst of all, he knew that the dropship in which he and his squadron flew was an ugly blight on the great sky.

"This isn't a good time to be human."

Bix sighed inaudibly. Maybe he was too critical of the human race, or thought too highly of the dangerous yet intriguing Protoss. Or perhaps it was the simple truth that all these years of war had made all the most delicate things of nature so beautiful and valuable.

It didn't matter. Lieutenant Bix had orders to follow and plenty of work ahead of him. Sighing louder this time, he cringed himself for the inevitable noisiness that signalled the opening of the dropship door.

---

Rules for writing-

1. Take your time.
2. Try to make the readers identify with what your hero is going through.
3. Use the name of your character to your advantage. For example, if Bix is being casual or is off-duty, call him Allen (or whatever his first name is, I just made that up. :)). Or if he has to be professional, make sure you include mention of his rank.
4. Don't capitalize nouns that don't need to be.
5. When you're describing scenery, add how the character feels about the scenery. Is he impressed? Disgusted? Doesn't care?
6. Try to learn military terminology for your battle planning scenes.
7. Remember that Mengsk has characterization too, and try to make him more emotional and dramatic. He's a very charazmatic leader, so keep this in mind.

[Ktan]

Glad to hear you are amking an effort to re-write it.
Basiacally, you have been given all the advice you probably need from Shadow Gonnisa.
I also advise you to look at lots of other fiction, even if it is of SC.org. There are some good writers on there.
Maybe ask DeltaSquad about the military manevours, I believe he is quite up on military information.
You did the right thing by asking.
Good luck.
(PM me on SC.org when you are done, if you want my opinion on the new one)