ScottieIWU
02-15-2006, 1:35 AM
Wrote this for my creative writing class, the class that usually inspires most of my writing. The idea is to write an imaginative autobiography, foresaking straightforward explanation in favor of imagery and strange things that make you say "wtf, mate?"
So, here is my work. I get to bring it in to be workshopped on Thursday, but I figure I'll take advantage of a community where I can get a kind of second workshop.
1987
Arrive via underground tunnel…tight fit. Good for me; bad for mommy.
Father’s Bud troubles relations.
Discover propensity to babble early in life.
1989
First reading: end up in Wisconsin.
Berlin wall crumbles, and with it, my dreams.
1989-1990
Memory (intentionally?) blank.
1991
Discover there are two families.
Given gift of low self-esteem.
Forced to assume alter-ego, Dopey. Too perfect, crowd says.
1993
“Hey, big-ears!”
First fight.
1994
Realize dream of being a Louisiana croc hunter.
Cast out to sea. Do not enjoy.
First math lesson:
Stabbing Motion (Play Doh + Pencil) = Blood
1995
Realize sister is not a crocodile; dreams of croc-wrestling smashed into stomach.
New computer, declared best friend.
Form a gang: Manly Chickens.
1996
Manly Chickens disband.
Game of football ends in discovery of God when face learns to hail Mary.
Halloween: strange clownish—or hookerish—woman appears.
1997
Sea turns red. Don’t run anymore.
Hooker-face returns at Easter. Not a costume.
New friend joins class. Is nice. Issue promptly resolved by classmates.
New best friend purchased.
1998
Create life, in form of Cro-Magnon man.
Prophetic dream, unsure of meaning.
Fearing Frankenstein-esque ending, promptly end life with baseball bat.
1999
“Your head is too big. And you look like William Shatner.”
Self-esteem in exile.
“Star Wars sucks.”
Second, Third, and Fourth fights.
2000
Blockbuster Mafia pursues family throughout first quarter year.
Meet first vampire.
Disciplined for drive-by trappering…insist trappering from grassy knoll, dismissed as wild conspiracy.
2001
Meet girl who snorts sugar. Laugh when nose begins to bleed.
Severely disappointed by 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Witness an Icarian attempt at bike-flight: trees.
2002
Pain-killers.
Inspired by leaves, punch hole in wall.
Father’s relationship with good bud resumes.
2003
First physics: Falling.
Freedom.
Australia.
Show up late to communist party. Refreshments served.
2004
Night of the Living Dead
Ordained . Begin spreading the Word: “shit.”
Become convinced I am Pelé; breathing problems ensue.
Rough waters ahead, ignore signs in hopes of being a pirate.
So emo.
2005
Propensity for ranting gains momentary fame.
Voted third most opinionated. Insist should be number one.
“Wham, Bam, Thank you ma’am.”
Whoops.
“Could you possibly be more emo?”
“Yes”
2006
Defying expectations, become more emo.
Hot knife through butter…or turkey.
Retract previous thank you in favor of “burn in hell.”
Dreams of piracy realized—temporarily.
So, here is my work. I get to bring it in to be workshopped on Thursday, but I figure I'll take advantage of a community where I can get a kind of second workshop.
1987
Arrive via underground tunnel…tight fit. Good for me; bad for mommy.
Father’s Bud troubles relations.
Discover propensity to babble early in life.
1989
First reading: end up in Wisconsin.
Berlin wall crumbles, and with it, my dreams.
1989-1990
Memory (intentionally?) blank.
1991
Discover there are two families.
Given gift of low self-esteem.
Forced to assume alter-ego, Dopey. Too perfect, crowd says.
1993
“Hey, big-ears!”
First fight.
1994
Realize dream of being a Louisiana croc hunter.
Cast out to sea. Do not enjoy.
First math lesson:
Stabbing Motion (Play Doh + Pencil) = Blood
1995
Realize sister is not a crocodile; dreams of croc-wrestling smashed into stomach.
New computer, declared best friend.
Form a gang: Manly Chickens.
1996
Manly Chickens disband.
Game of football ends in discovery of God when face learns to hail Mary.
Halloween: strange clownish—or hookerish—woman appears.
1997
Sea turns red. Don’t run anymore.
Hooker-face returns at Easter. Not a costume.
New friend joins class. Is nice. Issue promptly resolved by classmates.
New best friend purchased.
1998
Create life, in form of Cro-Magnon man.
Prophetic dream, unsure of meaning.
Fearing Frankenstein-esque ending, promptly end life with baseball bat.
1999
“Your head is too big. And you look like William Shatner.”
Self-esteem in exile.
“Star Wars sucks.”
Second, Third, and Fourth fights.
2000
Blockbuster Mafia pursues family throughout first quarter year.
Meet first vampire.
Disciplined for drive-by trappering…insist trappering from grassy knoll, dismissed as wild conspiracy.
2001
Meet girl who snorts sugar. Laugh when nose begins to bleed.
Severely disappointed by 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Witness an Icarian attempt at bike-flight: trees.
2002
Pain-killers.
Inspired by leaves, punch hole in wall.
Father’s relationship with good bud resumes.
2003
First physics: Falling.
Freedom.
Australia.
Show up late to communist party. Refreshments served.
2004
Night of the Living Dead
Ordained . Begin spreading the Word: “shit.”
Become convinced I am Pelé; breathing problems ensue.
Rough waters ahead, ignore signs in hopes of being a pirate.
So emo.
2005
Propensity for ranting gains momentary fame.
Voted third most opinionated. Insist should be number one.
“Wham, Bam, Thank you ma’am.”
Whoops.
“Could you possibly be more emo?”
“Yes”
2006
Defying expectations, become more emo.
Hot knife through butter…or turkey.
Retract previous thank you in favor of “burn in hell.”
Dreams of piracy realized—temporarily.