A song I wrote

[XTERMIN8OR1]

Lyrics by me. Comments? Criticism? Suggestions? Post whatever you want. I'll read it and if I find it a constructive reply, I'll reply back.

Abyss Of Damned Souls


In great despair I stand before
the gates of fear
The days have I counted
since I realize more
I now see clear
That I am haunted

Why have I never lived my life,
instead into eternity did I dive

I have fled home to find an explanation,
but have lost the right way
And now in the abyss I reside
without a destination
Forever am I cursed to stay,
and to hide

Why have I never lived my life,
instead into eternity did I dive

I sought a meaning in my existence,
a reason to carry on
Never saw I missed my chance
to see the new brighter dawn

Why have I never lived my life,
instead into eternity did I dive

Having lived a life of hate,
I now wonder about my fate

Why have I never lived my life,
instead into eternity did I dive

[Frattimonde]

Well, its a bit unclear. What exactly did he chose (path then) and so. Otherwise, I see no grammitcal errors or other flaws.

[XTERMIN8OR1]

Well, its a bit unclear. What exactly did he chose (path then) and so.
Well, I didn't want it to be too much of a cliché kind of work. Therefore I chose to not too explicitly say the character in my song has chosen 'the dark path' and things like that. But all in all, I think that if you try to read into it, it is quite clear how the character ends up. Read the lines 'And now in the abyss I reside' and 'Forever am I cursed to stay'. Thanks for being honest though.

Anyone who has more comments?

[XTERMIN8OR1]

Would anyone else please want to read and comment on my song? I really think I did a decent job with it...

[Sithius]

Sorry, not a songwriter. But hey, why don't you record it and post it up here. Then we can all critisize your voice ^^.

[XTERMIN8OR1]

Sorry, not a songwriter.
Umm, is that criticism on my song? I don't really see what you mean with that sentence...

In case you mean you don't like my song; why? In what do you think my mistake lies? Is it the style you don't like (e.g. rhyme, rythm) or the subject and the imagery? How do you think I could make it better?


But hey, why don't you record it and post it up here. Then we can all critisize your voice ^^.
I'm not much of a singer, in fact...

[Hawthorne]

Not bad ;)

[GenocideAlive]

The actual content of the song is somewhat brief, but by its own merits it isn't too bad. You've got some inverted language in there, which is usually a hokey-writing dead-giveaway, but it's part of your chorus so I gather that you're very pleased with it. You've also got some on-again, off-again rhyming, which is sort of weird.

All in all it's very difficult to judge the merits of a song according to its lyrics. Lyrics are a very small part of songs that generally take a backseat until it's been established that you've got all the other parts working. If you want analysis of your lyrics on the basis of poetry that's one thing, but as for lyrics, it's almost impossible.
Otherwise, I see no grammitcal errors or other flaws.
I think I can see why.

[XTERMIN8OR1]

The actual content of the song is somewhat brief, but by its own merits it isn't too bad. You've got some inverted language in there, which is usually a hokey-writing dead-giveaway, but it's part of your chorus so I gather that you're very pleased with it. You've also got some on-again, off-again rhyming, which is sort of weird.
Glad to see that the quality of my writing seems to be improved, because you're not the first to say it's ok. I do of course know it's not the best piece of writing ever, but I'm happy with the way this one turned out.

All in all it's very difficult to judge the merits of a song according to its lyrics. Lyrics are a very small part of songs that generally take a backseat until it's been established that you've got all the other parts working. If you want analysis of your lyrics on the basis of poetry that's one thing, but as for lyrics, it's almost impossible.

I think I can see why.
I know, but as I said; I'm not a good singer. I just tried to write the lyrics for a song a Gothic band like Nightwish or Within Temptation could perform.

I'd be glad with some more comments, suggestions and criticism, so that I can improve my writing even more.