Poem: My last moments

[CerebrateZrex]

I awaken all alone in a darkness unforgiving,
As I sit up I hear your claws tearing flesh not to far way.
I turn on my light at the end of my gun an see,
Zerglings eating my friends suddenly look my way.

Their bodies covered in blood and gore,
Their claws shining in the light.
Their emotionless stares,
No knowledge of wrong or right.

They charge my way screaming in glee,
I raise my gun to find it almost empty.
They close the gap with demonic speed,
I take aim and pray for my safety.

Explosions rebound all around me,
My friends I have been found.
The Zerglings fall all around me,
But still they abound.

Zerglings and Firebates fall,
I am sitting in the middle of it all.
Zergling claws tear,
Now it is my time to take a fall.

I would like your thoughts on this poem, and a ranking of (1-10)

[GenocideAlive]

1.

Without reading it, I've already seen that you're rhyming and that you're misspelling words. Presentation is important in poetry, and rhyming requires a high degree of skill that isn't common.

When I read it, it's battle-gore. Since you've never seen this things, you are unable to capture the surrealism of the moment. Some of the words you're using look like they rhyme, but don't. "Glee" and "speed" don't rhyme, and neither to "empty" and "safety".

The difference between art and just some picture is that art is a picture with meaning.

[LinkTheGameFreak]

1.

Without reading it, I've already seen that you're rhyming and that you're misspelling words. Presentation is important in poetry, and rhyming requires a high degree of skill that isn't common.

When I read it, it's battle-gore. Since you've never seen this things, you are unable to capture the surrealism of the moment. Some of the words you're using look like they rhyme, but don't. "Glee" and "speed" don't rhyme, and neither to "empty" and "safety".

The difference between art and just some picture is that art is a picture with meaning.

those types of things are called half-rhymes and they are perfectly acceptable in poetry (poetry doesn't always have to rhyme, either, ya know)

empty and safety do rhyme - it's like saying fangoriously and dangerously don't rhyme because they don't have the same number of syllables or something else

the poem itself is good, but it needs some polishing up - tuck it away for a few days and come back to it but an over all good start :)

also, notice he's writing in a A-B-C-B pattern so that the 1st and 3rd lines don't rhyme but the 2nd and 4th do (I actually haven't seen someone do that in a while - it's fairly clever); you're problem is that glee and speed and empty are all half rhymes and so having glee kinda distracts from the real rhyme and kind of throws off the reader (just something to think about)

[GenocideAlive]

those types of things are called half-rhymes and they are perfectly acceptable in poetry (poetry doesn't always have to rhyme, either, ya know)

empty and safety do rhyme - it's like saying fangoriously and dangerously don't rhyme because they don't have the same number of syllables or something else

I'm just going to skip responding to your entire post, because you sound like a fucking idiot. The day an adverb ending connotates a rhyme is the day somebody gives a shit about what your uneducated clueless fucking opinion on creative writing is. Moron.

P.S. Please outline how these stanzas follow a A-B-C-B rhyme scheme:

Explosions rebound all around me,
My friends I have been found.
The Zerglings fall all around me,
But still they abound.

Zerglings and Firebates fall,
I am sitting in the middle of it all.
Zergling claws tear,
Now it is my time to take a fall.

Better yet, just kill yourself.

[LinkTheGameFreak]

hey i didn't say it was the greatest poem ever, and I did say he needs to work on it - but hey, i at least read it before I gave him an analysis

EDIT: you're problem is that glee and speed and empty are all half rhymes and so having glee kinda distracts from the real rhyme and kind of throws off the reader
this also told him what I thought of the ones where he used half rhymes accidentally in 3 lines - get rid of em cuz it throws em off

[GenocideAlive]

hey i didn't say it was the greatest poem ever, and I did say he needs to work on it - but hey, i at least read it before I gave him an analysis
Wow. You're really going for "stupidest responses ever", aren't you. You'll note that I offer two analyses, one for before I've thoroughly read and analyzed the poem, the other for after I have done so. As in, I can glance at the poem and already tell he's making mistakes --> bad sign. But given your reading comprehension ability to this point, I'm not going to waste too much time here.

EDIT:
this also told him what I thought of the ones where he used half rhymes accidentally in 3 lines - get rid of em cuz it throws em off
"Fall" and "all" are "half rhymes" while "fangoriously" and "dangerously" are whole rhymes. Seriously, Link, you need to either have a fucking professional help you with your grasp of English or take a course in basic creative writing. You have zero clue as to what you're talking about--having looked at a poem and written one for your girlfriend don't make you informed. You're only making yourself look stupid--which may or may not be unusual for you, but nonetheless it's irritating.

[LinkTheGameFreak]

Wow. You're really going for "stupidest responses ever", aren't you. You'll note that I offer two analyses, one for before I've thoroughly read and analyzed the poem, the other for after I have done so. As in, I can glance at the poem and already tell he's making mistakes --> bad sign. But given your reading comprehension ability to this point, I'm not going to waste too much time here.
apparently you already have since you RUSHED to reply to the first comment I made and continue to talk shit

"Fall" and "all" are "half rhymes" while "fangoriously" and "dangerously" are whole rhymes. Seriously, Link, you need to either have a fucking professional help you with your grasp of English or take a course in basic creative writing. You have zero clue as to what you're talking about--having looked at a poem and written one for your girlfriend don't make you informed. You're only making yourself look stupid--which may or may not be unusual for you, but nonetheless it's irritating.
I apologize for being tired and making a fatal error - forgivness master :rolleyes:

As for me knowing English, I'm a creative writing major and I've had my work published before, not to mention that I was the editor-in-chief of the local newspaper I worked for for nearly a year and a half before I left for college (which, I have to add, I did well at) so don't try to belittle my knowledge of the English language you inconsiderate prick. I may not seem it on the boards (cuz it's the internet and I don't give a shit) but I'm a damn good writer so fuck you asshole. I've tried being civil with you and your last 2 posts have only shown what a cock sucker you really are - I never accosted you in this thread yet you come out with your MOTHERFUCKING guns blazing like I owe you child support. You need to shut your goddammed mouth, cuz, really, who looks more pathetic here - me or you (who I might add is a middle aged man on a gaming website insulting people almost 1/3 his age - does that give you a hard on?)

So, GA, I give you an ultimatum:

1. Either fuck off or
2. I'll give you my address so we can settle this man-to-man (and trust me, it's not below me to do it because I've done this before)

[pixels]

*ahem*

cut the shit.