As Our Passion Grew Heated a Passing Dog Caught Fire

[ScottieIWU]

I'm interested in some feedback on this poem. The title is "As Our Passion Grew Heated a Passing Dog Caught Fire."

I.
Broken hulls
Wandering the lonely seas.
Tattered sails molested
By willful winds.
Four doors of fate open
As strange flags intermingle,
And a new country is found.

II.
A neglected house
Begging to be repainted.
Revisited. Reoccupied.
Creaking floorboards.
The nesting bird
Is always welcome.

III.
A weeping lilly plots.
Takeover will soon come.
Careful! This debris
Could shatter lives.
Angry shards of
Naked mirrors coat the floor.
A sunny day.
This room is black.

IV.
A lonely chandelier
Welcomes the happy flame.
Still dark. Flame dances.
Shadows consume flame.
But even in darkness
The will of the flame
Triumphs.

V.
Billowing nimbi
Rain down upon
Barren wasteland.
The seed of lonliness
Was planted in the sun
But does not grow.
Happiness flourishes
In the dark corner.

VI.
The comatose canvas wakes.
Painted in blood
From a heart now beating.
Lungs now breathing.
The canvas is alive,
A painting without a painter
Nourished only by
Desire.

VII.
Asteroids pelt
The glassy surface
Of an icy planet.
Angry fire melts ice.
A door opens under
The newborn sea.
And a once dry room
Begins to flood.

VIII.
A storm of broken promises.
A con man with a solid gold heart.
Lies seep through the walls
But argyle wallpaper
Covers the damage.
Windows tinted by mistrust,
Decietful deadbolts installed.
The house now secure,
None go in. None come out.

IX.
Puddles of hatred grow
Under the disjointed face
Of the weeping sun.
Patchwork prairies:
Pink. Blue. Snot.
Angry raindrops
Bombarding.
Wilting paper flowers below.
A landscape devestated
By the moon's tryst with darkness.

X.
A soundless explosion.
Damage is critical,
But none know.
The universe a photographic negative.
Time and space have divorced.
What once was one,
Now is two.
Space is alone.
But time has a tryst
With nothingness.

[Markpyro]

A few quick suggestions:
You sound like you've written before, but you're not perfect. Lay off on the more complicated adjectives until you know how to blend them and make them sound good.
"comatose canvas wakes." descriptive... but a tongue twister and is rough when reading.
Also, refrain from repeating words. In a poem of this length, using a word twice stands out, and degrades the writing.
Thats all I can say at the moment, I might add more later.

[Modred]

You sound like you've written before, but you're not perfect. Lay off on the more complicated adjectives until you know how to blend them and make them sound good.
"comatose canvas wakes." descriptive... but a tongue twister and is rough when reading.
Also, refrain from repeating words. In a poem of this length, using a word twice stands out, and degrades the writing.
I'll be Randy Jackson to MP's Simon Cowell. MP, you don't know what you're talkign about. "Comatose canvas" is great; in fact, it's one of the best lines due to the allitteration and imagery in that stanza it ushers in. I didn't stumble over any of the language, and didn't notice any word redundancy on an aggrivating level during a quick read through.

However, it did feel as though you didn't establish a clear rythm. That's fine, but some of the phrases felt too short. I have to go right now, but will return later and see if I can find some examples. Also, I would advise against revising this poem per our advice. Take whatever we say and try it in another poem, and if it helps your writing, that's great. If it doesn't help, then just keep experimenting till you find a style you like.

[GenocideAlive]

I agree that particular alliteration was good. The rest of Mark's advice rang true, though he lacked the capability to flesh it out:

Your word structure is too short and your fragmented imagery gets old after the second stanza. Think of a record that skips around as opposed to a record that plays from start to finish. One is confusing, somewhat irritating, and difficult to follow; the other is a logical, coherent progression of start-to-finish. It certainly can be pulled off, but a beginner's clearer poem is always better than one that goes for artsy-fartsy. Few like reading poems that have no complete sentences and amounts to page after page of adjectives.

You possess a good grasp of a linguist's tools, but naked displays are more poem porn than poem nude modeling.

[Azathoth116]

i dont read much poetry, but thats pretty good. (course, i couldnt say much about that anyways)