To a Zergling...

[JarquaFelmu]

Hey check poem out I wrote for Engish 4!:

To a Zergling


To a zergling, though I hate you so,

You rip my clothes, and you kill my friends,

You make weird sounds and have big claws,

To a zergling, though I hate you so.



To a zergling, you need to die,

You destroy my command center, and my marines

You stop my SCVs, you stop my resources

To a zergling, you need to die.



To a zergling, you need to burn,

I use my flamthrower to burn your hide,

You duck and weave, and try to burrow,

My men don’t see the hole, but I do,

To a zergling, you need to burn.



To a zergling, you little fiend

I fear for my life when I see you there

I try to run and hide, but I don’t know where

You catch me with your quick eye

To a zergling, its time you die, you worthless being



To a zergling, why can’t you see?

Why can’t you see the pain you inflict,

The sorrow you sow, the blood on your claws

Oh zergling, why can’t you see?

[Sikawtic]

Why is it "to a zergling"?

[Aquarian]

I like it,I think it's cute and nice :)

You should submit it to SC.org

[JarquaFelmu]

1. I was having fun

2. thanks:), and already have

[ShadowGonissa]

Wow....I love it, especially the last stanza. However, your middle stanzas need to be emotional.

[JarquaFelmu]

lol nice, i actutally wrote it for an english class im taking, but how could i make it more emotional? what do you mean?

[Mtank]

Firstly, you need to fix the first line. Its "though i hate you so", which implies that the next statement will be a positive one, but the next statement is "you rip my clothes...."

The "though", therefore, makes no sense and must be removed.
You end the paragraph with the same line, which again makes so sense.


The rest is ok, except the way you end each paragraph is strange and inconsistant. The first three paragraphs end with the same line as they began with, as does the last paragraph, but the fourth one deviates from this.

It's up to you, but I would suggest the following changes apart from what I've mentioned above.

You rip my clothes-->You tear my flesh
You stop me resources-->you deny me resources

[lostsa]

I'm curious: what did your english teacher say?

[ShadowGonissa]

lol nice, i actutally wrote it for an english class im taking, but how could i make it more emotional? what do you mean?

Mtank's last suggestion would really help what I'm talking about. I mean, in the second and third stanzas you state what a zergling does kinda flatly. It doesn't reach out to the reader.

Example: "You rip my clothes, and you kill my friends,

You make weird sounds and have big claws,"

This is odd to me, because putting something as simple as weird sounds wrong next to a comment about killing people. If you want to describe their looks, dedicate an entire stanza to that, and then go into how murderous a zergling is.

Remember, when writing something like this, something with plot, you have to grab the reader with your earliest descriptions. The first stanza would have been a good place to put the whole flamethrower bit. It intriques the reader and causes him to have questions about what will come next, and the only way to have these answers is to keep reading.

The next one or two stanzas could go into descriptions, where the claws, sounds, and other descriptions of looks will go. The reader should be hyped up from the introduction, and ready to learn more about your situation.

Once they've learned more, they're recharged for more active and violent content. At least two stanzas should go to their murderous traits and how they destroyed your loved ones.

The stanza I absolutely love is the last one, because it is emotional, and it has a bit of a twist to it. Instead of just summarizing (which is good, but it's like a bagel; you need to put stuff on it for it to be yummy), you wrote an emotional appeal to the zerglings, which works especially well since they have no emotions. It creates a sense of futility, and futility is what this poem is about (or at least that's what it sounds like).

[ScottieIWU]

One thing I'd say is that you probably want to be consistent in number of lines per stanza if you're going to be using a set "form." It doesn't do a huge detriment, but in general having a standard size for the stanzas is a good idea, though it's not absolutely wrong to deviate from it (unless you wanted to stick to a strict form, in which case it is.)

[JarquaFelmu]

Firstly, you need to fix the first line. Its "though i hate you so", which implies that the next statement will be a positive one, but the next statement is "you rip my clothes...."

The "though", therefore, makes no sense and must be removed.
You end the paragraph with the same line, which again makes so sense. I was meaning though as in "I hate you but i'll say this anyways, if that makes any sense


The rest is ok, except the way you end each paragraph is strange and inconsistant. The first three paragraphs end with the same line as they began with, as does the last paragraph, but the fourth one deviates from this. I close down each of the paragraphs the same as they start to tie it together. And the fourth paragraph is the odd one on purpose


I'm curious: what did your english teacher say?He liked it, everyone was laughing in my Senior English class when I read it:)

Mtank's last suggestion would really help what I'm talking about. I mean, in the second and third stanzas you state what a zergling does kinda flatly. It doesn't reach out to the reader.

Example: "You rip my clothes, and you kill my friends,

You make weird sounds and have big claws,"

This is odd to me, because putting something as simple as weird sounds wrong next to a comment about killing people. If you want to describe their looks, dedicate an entire stanza to that, and then go into how murderous a zergling is.

Remember, when writing something like this, something with plot, you have to grab the reader with your earliest descriptions. The first stanza would have been a good place to put the whole flamethrower bit. It intriques the reader and causes him to have questions about what will come next, and the only way to have these answers is to keep reading.

The next one or two stanzas could go into descriptions, where the claws, sounds, and other descriptions of looks will go. The reader should be hyped up from the introduction, and ready to learn more about your situation.

Once they've learned more, they're recharged for more active and violent content. At least two stanzas should go to their murderous traits and how they destroyed your loved ones.Ya, you and Mtank are both right i'll keep those ideas in mind if I write more

you wrote an emotional appeal to the zerglings, which works especially well since they have no emotions. It creates a sense of futility, and futility is what this poem is about (or at least that's what it sounds like).lol, thats exactly what the poem is about, lol

[GenocideAlive]

1: Repetition of uncreative, trite lines are going to bore the reader.

2: Poems that don't go anywhere are more fun to write than to read.

3: Your poem lacks substance beyond a few meaningful / surprising lines.

A breakdown, if you will:

To a zergling, though I hate you so,
You rip my clothes, and you kill my friends,
You make weird sounds and have big claws,
To a zergling, though I hate you so.

This stanza is boring beyond the "you make weird sounds" line.

To a zergling, you need to die,
You destroy my command center, and my marines
You stop my SCVs, you stop my resources
To a zergling, you need to die.

Hideous.
"Doorknob, you need to turn,
You open my house, and my closets
You stop the wind, you stop the rain
Doorknob, you need to turn."
"Stop" has to be the worst possible verb ever, and pointing out the obvious isn't clever.

To a zergling, you need to burn,
I use my flamthrower to burn your hide,
You duck and weave, and try to burrow,
My men don’t see the hole, but I do,
To a zergling, you need to burn.

Actually kind of interesting, except for the extremely droll repetition.

To a zergling, you little fiend
I fear for my life when I see you there
I try to run and hide, but I don’t know where
You catch me with your quick eye
To a zergling, its time you die, you worthless being

Drivel. You're scared, he saw you.

To a zergling, why can’t you see?
Why can’t you see the pain you inflict,
The sorrow you sow, the blood on your claws
Oh zergling, why can’t you see?

Trite. Why doesn't the beast see how beastly he is...

Sorry to dump on you, but honesty is best.

[DeltaForce]

hmm, geno, you really need to come to SC.org and help me take some things apart. basically, Geno has said everything i wanted to say. i'll summerize it.

gl, hf, try again