Wondersnail
12-28-2005, 12:13 PM
Hi, i am writing a book and i need your opinions on this chapter.
0600 Hours. In orbit above Centuri Prime
Captain Jonathan Baetz sat in the conference room inside his Mars class Destroyer The Relentless. He listened to Admiral Jenkins review the mission plan to capture leaders of the Centuri Rebellionas they were commonly referred to throughout the Alpha Centuri system.
The Rebellion was known for its raids on the twin planets Kael and Kama and causing the people on the furthest planet in the Alpha Centuri system, Kaemil, to openly revolt against the UEF. At long last their base was located in the rings of Centuri Prime.
Jonathan had almost dozed off as he had reviewed the plan over ten times.
“Captain Jonathan Baetz what are you doing?” Admiral Jenkins boomed clearly annoyed “sleeping again I see.”
“No sir” Jonathan lied.
“Well then, captain, would you care to review the battle plan?”
“No thanks admiral” he paused for a moment “I’ll pass.”
“Captain, you are one hell of a smartass” The Admiral replied.
All the people in the Conference room chuckled, except for Sergeant Helen Williams.
She was a small individual, with her blonde hair cropped and hidden under her helmet. She was slim but tough as nails and a brilliant tactician.
Admiral Jenkins silenced their chuckling with a swift wave of his hand. “Captain see me in my ready room” The Admiral walked off.
“Oh shit” the Captain said to nobody in particular. He then followed the Admiral.
Several seconds after Jonathan entered the Admiral’s ready room the Conference room burst into life. Helen walked over to the door that led to the Admirals Ready room and pressed her hands and head against the cold titanium door attempting to listen in on their conversation. She only heard the Admiral yelling.
“Helen, can you hear what they’re saying?” asked Lieutenant Keenan.
Helen turned around and faced the Lieutenant. “No I can’t, all I can hear is the Admiral yelling” She turned to try to hear the Captain.
“Jonathan I hereby demote you of your rank of Captain” He walked up to the Captain and removed his captain’s insignia.
“Dismissed Commander” The Admiral waved Jonathan off.
Jonathan walked out of the Admirals ready room and the conference room fell silent. No one dared to speak, except for Helen, “What happened Jonathan?” She asked.
“Well” Jonathan paused for a moment “I was....” he was cut off by the Admiral.
“He was demoted, he is now a Commander .The new Captain will arrive aboard The Relentless after our mission” He looked around waiting for any objections then he continued, “Everyone prepare for departure, dismissed.”
Everyone in the conference room stood and left, except for the Admiral who remained behind waiting for Military command to contact him.
The Admiral entered his ready room, the automatic doors closed behind him. His ready room was dark and bare, just the way he liked it. He sat down at his desk in the far corner of the room.
As he sat down a beeping sound indicating an incoming communication began. “Computer, patch it through to my Eye-Piece”. “Yes Admiral, patching through” a male voice replied.
A thin metal rod emerged from an opening in the Admiral’s chair; at the end of it was a small display screen. The screen stopped in front of his left eye and the Fleet Commander appeared.
“Admiral Jenkins this is Fleet Commander Nagora, I have a mission for The Relentless.”
“We are just about to commence destroying the rebellion; we will be ready for the next mission in roughly one hour”
“Splendid” Nagora replied “your next mission is to meet up with the scout fleet at the Brallus system”
“Yes sir, but why do we need to go to the Brallus system?”
“We have lost contact with the Brallus system, get there as soon as possible; the fleet is just outside the system. Nagora out”
* * * * *
The Marines were equipping themselves with the new weapons they received from command. One Marine picked up a Carbine and made a low whistling sound, “A mark three carbine, much bigger than the older ones.”
Another Marine walked over to the handguns and picked up an odd looking Pistol labelled ‘Shot Pistol’. He aimed it at one of the practice targets and pressed the trigger. The sound caused everyone in the hangar to turn and look at him. The shot completely shredded the target, “I gotta get me one of these” he yelled.
“Marine, if you read the label again you’ll find that it says ‘officers only” Helen said.
“What,” he checked the box label again. “Fuck.”
“I’ll take that Marine” Jonathan said.
The Marine jumped and turned, he instantly recognized the man’s face and handed him the Shot Pistol. “Captain on Deck” he shouted.
“At ease, and for future reference I was demoted so it’s Commander now” He looked around the hangar, it was massive compared to most other ships hangars. But that was what made Mars class Destroyers so unique. About one hundred metres above Jonathan was a series of support and docking beams for the Lance fighters and Dart transports.
One of the Darts was lowered down to the ground level. The pilot got in, she was tall and had a strong build, her red hair was slightly longer than Helen’s. “Alright boys this plane’s ready to fly”
“Shotgun” one of the Marines yelled out and got into the co-pilots seat, another Marine sighed. After all the Marines got aboard Jonathan boarded the Dart through the hatch in the rear of it. It closed behind him.
“Is everyone aboard?” The Pilot asked. “Yes ma’am, we’re ready for departure” one of the Marines replied. “Alright boys, prepare for takeoff.”
The Dart was lifted up by a large beam than latched onto it, the beam lifted in about twenty metres above the ground. The bottom of the hangar opened up and revealed the planet of Centuri Prime. Centuri Prime was a planet very similar to Earth in temperature and atmosphere, but geographically it didn’t look like Earth. Around the planet was a set of rings.
The Dart was launched out of The Relentless at an incredible speed and then slowed as the forward engines ignited. Jonathan hadn’t strapped himself in and was forced onto the ground, “Pilot, take us into the rings and place us behind some cover” he ordered as he got up.
“Aye, sir” the Pilot replied.
The Dart lurched to the left, barely missing an asteroid, it moved up behind a large asteroid.
“Sir, I’m picking up a slight drop in pressure” She paused for a moment “could be a hull breach.”
“Pilot” Helen said “release artificial gravity.”
“Aye, ma’am” She replied.
There was a brief moment of silence then the artificial gravity was off, Jonathan hated this. Helen reached towards her water casket and removed the seal on it. The water held its position in the air for a few seconds then slowly moved towards the far corner of the Dart. “Over there” Helen said as she unstrapped herself.
“How are we going to seal it Sir?” She asked.
“I don’t know” Jonathan replied.
* * * * *
“My lord, our sensors have spotted a Dart class vessel heading towards the rings, we managed to fire a few shots at it before it disappeared from our sensors” There was silence so quiet that the hum of the supposedly ‘silent machines’ could be heard. The silence was broken by a man that came running the door.
“My lord, we have made a breakthrough in our genetic modifications”
“Explain to me, what is this breakthrough that you have discovered”
“Well my lord, we have successfully been able to completely alter the genetic makeup of any given biological matter and...” He was interrupted by a creature that jumped into the room.
* * * * *
“I got it” Private Jack Simons said as he stood up “do we have any metal sheets.”
Jonathan shook his head “Private what is your name?”
“Jack Simons, sir”
“Private, hand over your sidearm.” Jack was reluctant to hand over his handgun however he couldn’t refuse an order, he held out his handgun and gave it to Jonathan.
He took it and held it against the breach “I need an welder.” “Yes sir” Jack said as he walked to the rear of the Dart. He picked up the small welder, it was difficult for him to pick up and he was astonished by how something so small could weigh so much.
Struggling to walk Jonathan finally relieved him of the welder and turned it on. Electricity arced between the two prongs at the front of a small box. He moved it close to where he needed to weld, electricity shot out to the handgun and welded it to the hull.
When he was finished he placed the welder back in its resting place at the back of the ship he walked up to Jack and handed him a shot pistol.
“thank you sir” Jack said.
0600 Hours. In orbit above Centuri Prime
Captain Jonathan Baetz sat in the conference room inside his Mars class Destroyer The Relentless. He listened to Admiral Jenkins review the mission plan to capture leaders of the Centuri Rebellionas they were commonly referred to throughout the Alpha Centuri system.
The Rebellion was known for its raids on the twin planets Kael and Kama and causing the people on the furthest planet in the Alpha Centuri system, Kaemil, to openly revolt against the UEF. At long last their base was located in the rings of Centuri Prime.
Jonathan had almost dozed off as he had reviewed the plan over ten times.
“Captain Jonathan Baetz what are you doing?” Admiral Jenkins boomed clearly annoyed “sleeping again I see.”
“No sir” Jonathan lied.
“Well then, captain, would you care to review the battle plan?”
“No thanks admiral” he paused for a moment “I’ll pass.”
“Captain, you are one hell of a smartass” The Admiral replied.
All the people in the Conference room chuckled, except for Sergeant Helen Williams.
She was a small individual, with her blonde hair cropped and hidden under her helmet. She was slim but tough as nails and a brilliant tactician.
Admiral Jenkins silenced their chuckling with a swift wave of his hand. “Captain see me in my ready room” The Admiral walked off.
“Oh shit” the Captain said to nobody in particular. He then followed the Admiral.
Several seconds after Jonathan entered the Admiral’s ready room the Conference room burst into life. Helen walked over to the door that led to the Admirals Ready room and pressed her hands and head against the cold titanium door attempting to listen in on their conversation. She only heard the Admiral yelling.
“Helen, can you hear what they’re saying?” asked Lieutenant Keenan.
Helen turned around and faced the Lieutenant. “No I can’t, all I can hear is the Admiral yelling” She turned to try to hear the Captain.
“Jonathan I hereby demote you of your rank of Captain” He walked up to the Captain and removed his captain’s insignia.
“Dismissed Commander” The Admiral waved Jonathan off.
Jonathan walked out of the Admirals ready room and the conference room fell silent. No one dared to speak, except for Helen, “What happened Jonathan?” She asked.
“Well” Jonathan paused for a moment “I was....” he was cut off by the Admiral.
“He was demoted, he is now a Commander .The new Captain will arrive aboard The Relentless after our mission” He looked around waiting for any objections then he continued, “Everyone prepare for departure, dismissed.”
Everyone in the conference room stood and left, except for the Admiral who remained behind waiting for Military command to contact him.
The Admiral entered his ready room, the automatic doors closed behind him. His ready room was dark and bare, just the way he liked it. He sat down at his desk in the far corner of the room.
As he sat down a beeping sound indicating an incoming communication began. “Computer, patch it through to my Eye-Piece”. “Yes Admiral, patching through” a male voice replied.
A thin metal rod emerged from an opening in the Admiral’s chair; at the end of it was a small display screen. The screen stopped in front of his left eye and the Fleet Commander appeared.
“Admiral Jenkins this is Fleet Commander Nagora, I have a mission for The Relentless.”
“We are just about to commence destroying the rebellion; we will be ready for the next mission in roughly one hour”
“Splendid” Nagora replied “your next mission is to meet up with the scout fleet at the Brallus system”
“Yes sir, but why do we need to go to the Brallus system?”
“We have lost contact with the Brallus system, get there as soon as possible; the fleet is just outside the system. Nagora out”
* * * * *
The Marines were equipping themselves with the new weapons they received from command. One Marine picked up a Carbine and made a low whistling sound, “A mark three carbine, much bigger than the older ones.”
Another Marine walked over to the handguns and picked up an odd looking Pistol labelled ‘Shot Pistol’. He aimed it at one of the practice targets and pressed the trigger. The sound caused everyone in the hangar to turn and look at him. The shot completely shredded the target, “I gotta get me one of these” he yelled.
“Marine, if you read the label again you’ll find that it says ‘officers only” Helen said.
“What,” he checked the box label again. “Fuck.”
“I’ll take that Marine” Jonathan said.
The Marine jumped and turned, he instantly recognized the man’s face and handed him the Shot Pistol. “Captain on Deck” he shouted.
“At ease, and for future reference I was demoted so it’s Commander now” He looked around the hangar, it was massive compared to most other ships hangars. But that was what made Mars class Destroyers so unique. About one hundred metres above Jonathan was a series of support and docking beams for the Lance fighters and Dart transports.
One of the Darts was lowered down to the ground level. The pilot got in, she was tall and had a strong build, her red hair was slightly longer than Helen’s. “Alright boys this plane’s ready to fly”
“Shotgun” one of the Marines yelled out and got into the co-pilots seat, another Marine sighed. After all the Marines got aboard Jonathan boarded the Dart through the hatch in the rear of it. It closed behind him.
“Is everyone aboard?” The Pilot asked. “Yes ma’am, we’re ready for departure” one of the Marines replied. “Alright boys, prepare for takeoff.”
The Dart was lifted up by a large beam than latched onto it, the beam lifted in about twenty metres above the ground. The bottom of the hangar opened up and revealed the planet of Centuri Prime. Centuri Prime was a planet very similar to Earth in temperature and atmosphere, but geographically it didn’t look like Earth. Around the planet was a set of rings.
The Dart was launched out of The Relentless at an incredible speed and then slowed as the forward engines ignited. Jonathan hadn’t strapped himself in and was forced onto the ground, “Pilot, take us into the rings and place us behind some cover” he ordered as he got up.
“Aye, sir” the Pilot replied.
The Dart lurched to the left, barely missing an asteroid, it moved up behind a large asteroid.
“Sir, I’m picking up a slight drop in pressure” She paused for a moment “could be a hull breach.”
“Pilot” Helen said “release artificial gravity.”
“Aye, ma’am” She replied.
There was a brief moment of silence then the artificial gravity was off, Jonathan hated this. Helen reached towards her water casket and removed the seal on it. The water held its position in the air for a few seconds then slowly moved towards the far corner of the Dart. “Over there” Helen said as she unstrapped herself.
“How are we going to seal it Sir?” She asked.
“I don’t know” Jonathan replied.
* * * * *
“My lord, our sensors have spotted a Dart class vessel heading towards the rings, we managed to fire a few shots at it before it disappeared from our sensors” There was silence so quiet that the hum of the supposedly ‘silent machines’ could be heard. The silence was broken by a man that came running the door.
“My lord, we have made a breakthrough in our genetic modifications”
“Explain to me, what is this breakthrough that you have discovered”
“Well my lord, we have successfully been able to completely alter the genetic makeup of any given biological matter and...” He was interrupted by a creature that jumped into the room.
* * * * *
“I got it” Private Jack Simons said as he stood up “do we have any metal sheets.”
Jonathan shook his head “Private what is your name?”
“Jack Simons, sir”
“Private, hand over your sidearm.” Jack was reluctant to hand over his handgun however he couldn’t refuse an order, he held out his handgun and gave it to Jonathan.
He took it and held it against the breach “I need an welder.” “Yes sir” Jack said as he walked to the rear of the Dart. He picked up the small welder, it was difficult for him to pick up and he was astonished by how something so small could weigh so much.
Struggling to walk Jonathan finally relieved him of the welder and turned it on. Electricity arced between the two prongs at the front of a small box. He moved it close to where he needed to weld, electricity shot out to the handgun and welded it to the hull.
When he was finished he placed the welder back in its resting place at the back of the ship he walked up to Jack and handed him a shot pistol.
“thank you sir” Jack said.